How much is too much to lose?
by LucyStarkid
Summary: 'He felt the heat rise in his cheeks. He'd explained to Ryan what would happen, and he hadn't listened, thought he knew better. Well it'd happened, he hadn't known better. Darren was crumbling away in front of them.' Have changed the rating just in case.
1. Chapter 2

**20 Dec – just re-loading the chapters, I re-read and the typos were annoying me! Thank you so much for the reviews, they mean a lot to me. xx**

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 1  
><strong>Aimee Mann: One, Save Me and Wise Up.

**Part 1**  
>He felt the heat rise in his cheeks, he was angry, hurt and ready for a fight. He had explained to Ryan what would happen, and he hadn't listened - thought he knew better. Well it had happened, he hadn't known better. Darren was crumbling away in front of them.<p>

Chris felt like he'd sold himself out, sending tweets he wouldn't normally tweet and forcing their relationship away from the path they had decided to take. And for what.

He and Darren had talked at length before the tour. And they had agreed that the best approach was to be themselves - they both hated the thought of being anything else. However, to an outsider looking in, them being themselves looked very much like two people in love: the kiss in Dublin, the looks on the red carpet, god dammit it was so hard to hold it in.

Over the summer on tour Chris knew they had got closer than ever, leaning on each other when they needed support, bouncing ideas off of each other and just being there when, well, just being there. They were far more than friends, more than best friends, but somehow not sure where to go with it next.

In the end - at the start of shooting - that card was kind of played for them. Ryan in his great wisdom decided that putting some distance between Chris and Darren would work all round. If would keep the fans guessing and would also preserve Darren's status as a favourite with the fan girls.

So event after event Darren would be there, and Chris would be there and they would, grudgingly, along with the rest of the cast, make sure they were never seen together, or pictured together. It was tiring, so so tiring.

The more forced it felt, the more forced it became, it broke Darren's heart when he was told he wasn't allowed to tweet after _'The first time'_, and even whispered words from Chris in their trailer after the show didn't mend Darren's heart that now felt paper thin, or ease Chris' wounded morals.

But weeks passed and it became normal. Distance started to feel normal. In fact Chris struggled to remember the intimacy and the flush in his cheeks when he looked into Darren's eyes - Darren's not Blaine's. These days on set it felt like Darren had left the building, leaving only Blaine behind.

Chris knew the damage this was doing, he just somehow needed to tell, show, Ryan before it was too late for Chris, Darren and Glee.

...

Darren felt the tears roll down his face; he was heartbroken, ashamed and conflicted. Ryan hadn't even asked his opinion - he knew that he knew it. He hadn't wanted to hear it, so he hadn't asked.

Darren felt like he'd been kicked in the ribs, winded, with an ache left where his heart and his sense of self should have been.

They'd had a plan. And all over the summer on tour they had got so close you couldn't have separated them for anything. Even the ache in his heart when he thought of Joey or Lauren hadn't taken Darren away from Chris. His friend, his more than best friend, his - it was too hard to work out what it was. His Chris.

Darren felt conflicted because in all honesty he felt he owed Ryan. He would still be on YouTube, and busking away for $50 a day in cafes if it hadn't been for him.

He knew that deep down, talent on its own wasn't enough, and he was a needle in a haystack of talented people in Hollywood and LA. Without exposure it meant nothing, Ryan had seen something in him and given him a platform to thrive on.

He owed him for everything that had happened over the last twelve months. Glee, meeting Chris, helping Starkid do more - none of this would have happened without him. But god, it came with a price.

...

Staying in character on set had never really been Darren's strong point if he was being honest with himself. He found it incredibly hard to rein his natural self in, He knew that people liked him for some reason, and he couldn't switch that off, even when he tried.

When he had first met Chris, he'd felt something like gravity but so much stronger. More like magnets being drawn together, without knowledge or control. Just a pull. And this was easy during their scenes, giving in to it and not fighting. Being locked together was needed, normal, necessary. And how good it felt.

Offset the easy pull had continued and Darren hadn't remembered feeling quite so content. But he had understood that they needed to switch it off, it was what needed to happen, it made sense, and no one would get hurt this way.

They'd been on set filming for six hours straight. He felt like he was doing a pretty good job, a good impression of being normal, no one had asked him if he was ok, or if anything was wrong. He'd been doing this for weeks now. So he was doing a good job of being Darren, and of Darren being Blaine. Heart or no heart.

The distance and the separation between them wasn't so raw anymore, and he still got to see Chris pretty much every day, so really everything was fine. The fact that the little in jokes had stopped and that off camera they didn't see each other that much anymore wasn't so much of a price to pay for everything he got in return.

But that hollow feeling in his chest would just not go away. And when he lay in bed, and night after night felt the now familiar feeling of something missing - deep, deep down, Darren was really not sure that it was a price worth paying. He wasn't sure his heart - stored away in a safe but lonely place - could take it.

...

Ryan loved what he saw. He knew the fans thought he was ego, nothing more nothing less. But the little moments he saw between Darren and Chris were magic. He felt a paternal pull to Chris, and seeing him happy was wonderful.

But the business side of him knew that Chris was Chris, and Darren was Darren and lines could not get blurred. And even if it hurt them, he needed to keep them and what they stood for separate. Glee was his first priority and they couldn't compromise its success.

They had been filming for six hours straight. And for Chris every minute of it had dragged and itched like a raw wound. It had been like this for weeks now. He'd had enough and knew something had to change.

Darren couldn't, or wouldn't look him in the eye. The only time he saw him was when Blaine appeared. Chris missed Darren. He was annoyed with himself for letting someone in - Darren was well and truly in, but gone at the same time. And he missed him so, so very much.

He had spent all day shooting with Darren. But Darren may as well have been back in Chicago or New York, he certainly wasn't present. He'd switched himself off, and although his lips still felt the same and he looked the same all that was left was a shell. And alongside this the fans had noticed and were going into meltdown.

Chris cared about the fans, or course he did, and he was aware of how worried they were. But ultimately he cared for Darren so deeply, and he could see that this was tearing him apart. Something had to change and soon before Darren was gone entirely.

_What were they? What did they mean to each other? Did it matter, there was clearly something there._ Chris was in turmoil. This should not be so hard, if only he didn't care so much. Care so much about getting hurt - about hurting someone else - he had never cared about that before.

All his life he had felt confident in himself, but an outsider, always looking in. In Darren he felt like he had found someone just like him, to look in from the outside with him. And to help each other find a way in.

Chris had to get him back, jolt him back and make his realise that what they had was something, with or without a label. And Chris would be brave and show him that he cared, no matter what he had to risk doing it.

...


	2. Chapter 3

**How much is too much to lose? **

**Soundtrack for part 2**  
>Ben Folds Five: Brick<br>Athlete: Wires

**Part 2  
><strong>_'Why do I feel so guilty?'_ Chris looked at himself in the mirror and didn't like what he saw. He looked the same on the surface, but he felt terrible about everything and it showed. He studied himself and he looked, well, like a dulled down version of himself, ashamed. No one else would notice, but it was the only thing he could see.

Brave words had been easy in the comfort of his own head. He'd felt sure that he knew what he had to do to get Darren back. But now. In his apartment, alone with his thoughts, he felt guilt and nothing else. It'd been two weeks since their last scene together, the scene that had broken his heart and convinced him he had to do something.

But he hadn't done a thing. And he hated himself for it.

The hiatus provided a welcome break from the long tiring days and the uncomfortable tension he felt on set. He spent most the time working and writing, watching movies on his own and going to dinner with Ashley. And sleeping, sleeping a lot, or at least trying to. Lately he struggled with an empty feeling in his chest, he didn't quite understand it but he knew it had started when he and Darren had been forced apart. _'It was fine, really it was fine.'_ he tried to convince himself without much success.

Fine wasn't enough and he knew it. The days dragged, and all day every day he felt the butterflies in his stomach at the thought of the future. The difficult decisions and conversations he was going to have to have. He physically squirmed at the thought of how awkward it was all going to be, but it was too important, he had to do it. _'How though, why is everything so complicated?'_

He missed Darren, he needed him. Missed him as what exactly he wasn't sure, but it couldn't go on like this.

The break also meant that Darren was back home for nearly a month with his family, Joey, Lauren and the rest of his friends. And the biggest and best part of Chris knew it was what Darren needed right now. Some space and downtime from the pressure cooker in LA.

The Starkids were good for Darren's soul, they were who he was. He always came back to set content and full of energy after seeing them. They knew him like no one else. Talking to himself in the mirror, almost a wish, Chris muttered '_They'll see how much pain he's in, they'll make him open up.'_

Open up to what he wasn't sure, and Chris didn't like not knowing what that would mean. He liked to be in control - he was in control. Well until now, not now the lines between his career and the rest of his life were getting so blurred.

'_He's worth fighting for'_ Chris looked in the mirror and was determined this was the last time he would see that ashamed man looking back at him.

...

The red eye home was always a killer, tiring and brutal at the best of times. But even so, as he caught sight of his reflection in the window he'd been dozing against he was shocked at the person looking back at him. _'God, I look awful' _Darren thought to himself out loud.

In all honestly he probably didn't look too different to anyone else. But as he studied himself he was unnerved by what he saw. He looked, well, kind of dull, grey, inanimate. And that was how he felt too and it scared him. Maybe keeping his heart under lock and key wasn't such a great idea after all.

'_I'm just tired, sixteen hour days would do this to anyone'_ he said, too quietly for anyone else to hear, trying to convince himself.

The next month would be just what he needed. Back with his friends and family, just some time to relax, have fun and not think about work. He loved his job and the other opportunities it opened up to him. But sometimes he did feel thin, stretched paper thin. He wanted to put his all into everything but it didn't leave much in reserve. He felt tried and hollow.

One of the perks of 'celebrity' - squirming at the thought of the word - was travelling business class. He wasn't used to it but at least it meant he had been able to get some sleep, well as best he could with that missing feeling gnawing away in his chest.

'_Excuse me sir? Can I get you anything?'_ Darren looked up and smiled a tired smile at the hostess; she looked almost concerned he thought. That's their job though I guess. _'Just my pillow from my bag would be great thanks; a pane of glass isn't quite the same as far as comfort goes' _Darren replied with his best impression of a charming smile.

A minute or two later and she was back with the pillow. Darren hadn't packed his own bag; he'd been on set until midnight. The pillow his agent had packed was from his apartment, from the sofa. As he snuggled down to try and get some sleep, a feint scent had memories he couldn't quite place coming back. They focused and became clearer, memories of movies and conversations about comic book characters. The missing feeling grew and twisted in his chest. He didn't need his heart to feel this; Chris was in each and every cell in his body.

He missed him so much. But it was hopeless.

...

'_This is not good, not good at all'_ Ashley had been in Chris' twitter looking at his mentions and direct messages. She did this every morning, she had his back, and knew that he couldn't face going on there very often.

No one likes to read what other people have got to say about you. Especially if you happen to be the most famous openly gay celebrity in what is still a very conservative country. A cross check on Tumblr – which even Ashley found a scary place – confirmed her fears.

Chris' phone rang in his jean pocket, struggling to get it out before it went to voicemail, he got there just in time, _'Hi Ash, are you ok?' 'Coffee sounds great; I'll pick you up in half an hour'. _

Ashley was Chris' best friend and they had no secrets. She knew about the distance Darren and Chris had to endure. She also worried as she saw the distance become normal.

Even though she was jealous of Darren and the bond that was clearly there, she still felt their pain of having to put work before their own happiness.

And to be honest she had never really understood the thinking behind it anyway. She knew Ryan had his reasons, but what they were was a mystery, something about the integrity of the show, which seemed ironic to her. But Chris hadn't wanted her to get involved, so she supported and was a shoulder to cry on to for her friend but nothing more. Until now.

They drove to Starbucks and grabbed their drinks, but as Chris went to take a seat, Ashley kept hold of his hand stopping him from sitting _'Not here, let's go to the park'_. Confused but happy to go along with his friend, Chris followed alongside in comfortable silence during the five minute walk to the small park.

It was 2pm on a Tuesday, so the park was virtually empty. Still, Ashley walked them to a bench furthest from the entrance. Sitting down with an intentionally serious look on her face she chose her words carefully knowing that she would hit a nerve, she needed to hit a nerve, _'Chris, why are you hiding, agreeing to go along with all of this? What exactly is it that you are so scared of losing?'_

He knew exactly what his friend was getting at and it hurt to have it pointed out. Consciously or unconsciously he was scared of losing everything. Glee, his friends, his career, his status and Darren. But more than anything he was terrified, terrified because wanted it all and he couldn't see how he could keep from losing something.

He knew he was being a coward, digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole, but he just couldn't have this conversation now. Not even with Ashley.

He looked at her straight in the eye and lied though his teeth, _'I have no idea what you're talking about'. _They sat in silence for the next hour, both knowing he knew exactly what she was talking about.

...


	3. Chapter 4

**How much is too much to lose? **

**Soundtrack for part 3  
><strong>Foo Fighters: Walking after you.  
>Mumford and Sons: White blank page.<p>

**Part 3  
><strong>Just being back was good for his soul, it felt like a weight had been lifted, he could breathe and his chest felt comfortably full. The gnawing, hollow feeling was still there just not so prominent. It had shrunk and been replaced by a feeling of home.

Really it was odd, Darren had only come to Anne Arbour on a whim, he'd felt like a change from San Francisco, and the University had a good reputation. He'd only 'lived' there for two years, but it was definitely home. He didn't even like football but he was a diehard Blues fan, that's how much the place had got under his skin.

It wasn't the place that was under his skin. It was obvious really, it was the friends he'd made that made this place home, the shared memories they had. He knew they'd be in his life forever, no matter what. And that was an excessively comforting reality, especially as the rest of his life felt so fragile. Pushing that thought unsuccessfully to the back of his mind, his stomach dropped as he thought about the choices he knew he would have to make. And he felt like a fraud putting them off.

Kicking himself for not being able to let go, Darren drifted to the look on Chris' face at the end of their last scene together. He hadn't really registered at the time; he was so focussed on distracting himself with playing Darren and acting Blaine. But thinking back, he could place that look and it tore him in half. It was the look of someone that was totally lost, looking for the other half of their whole and seeing an imitation. He was a fraud, and everything he needed was crumbling away because of it.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket, jolting him out of his own head. Pulling it out of his pocket he saw five missed calls and a text message. _'What the...'_ Joe had been trying to get hold of him for the last twenty minutes. _'But I've only just got here...'_ Looking at the time on his phone, it slowly dawned on him that he'd been standing in the busy airport lounge, hugging his pillow, for over twenty minutes, lost in his thoughts.

Noticing the odd look the person next to him was giving him, he mentally shook himself, grabbing his bag and escaping out of his head and towards the comfort of Michigan and his friends.

Walking heavily through the airport Darren spotted Joe long before Joe spotted him, which was weird really seeing as Joe was looking right at him.

...

Chris sighed as he took the battery out of his Blackberry. It was three days since the non-conversation in the park, and Ashley would not leave him alone. He knew it was only because she cared, and he felt horrible for lying to her, even worse because he knew from the look on her face that she could see right through his lie.

Shouting at no one in his empty apartment he threw the battery against the wall, _'Just leave me alone, I can't do this right now'. _

If she'd wanted to hit a nerve she'd done it alright. All he had done since Tuesday was think about what she had said, and being trapped in his own head in this cell was slowly sending him mad.

'_This is crazy, I can't do anything until he gets back anyway'_ he said to no one. That was of course another blatant lie; he could be talking about this with his worried best friend. But somehow saying it all out loud to another person that wasn't Darren felt like the wrong thing to do. This was their problem and they needed to sort through it themselves as hard as that was going to be. Ignoring it was just not an option. Well not in the long term anyway. _'He's not back for two weeks; I am going to go mad if I sit here any longer thinking.'_

Chris loved to write, anyone that knew him knew that. He could lose himself completely in a story, envelope himself around the characters, let them soak him up. He wasn't working on anything at the moment, he had been so busy, and his heart hadn't really been in it. But now, now he felt like it might be the right thing to do – cathartic - to take his mind off of everything.

Looking for inspiration he picked up a battered copy of _'To kill a Mockingbird' _and started to read, hugging his favourite pillow tight into his chest. Engrossed in the story, loving it, he realised it was the first time he had read it since high school.

It hit out of nowhere. The hollow feeling in his chest exploded and contracted so hard it physically hurt. The scent drifting up from the pages of the book took him back to script writing sessions and late night comic book reading. Looking at the inside front cover he knew it before he read it, _'Darren Criss, set text junior year'._

And on to the musty pages, hot tears fell. And he didn't know if he'd ever stop.

...

Joe had to do a double take as he saw his friend walk slowly towards him. He looked terrible, well maybe not terrible, but not himself anyway. He was not the most perceptive of people but this just shouted out to him, it looked like someone had switched the lights off.

He was so tempted to say something, but it didn't feel like the right time. Instead, he grabbed him into a bear hug and squeezed harder and longer than was really necessary. He could've imagined it but he was sure he felt his friend shaking. _'Something is definitely not right'_ he thought to himself, still holding on tight. But Darren being Darren, he was sure he'd find out all about it. Being a closed book had never come naturally to his friend.

...

Darren pulled his sunglasses on hoping they hid the tears welling in his eyes. He knew that back with his friends, that heart, locked away, would try to break free and betray him.

...


	4. Chapter 5

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack to this part  
><strong>James Blake: Limit to your love.  
>James Blake: Wilhelm scream.<p>

**Part 4**  
>He was almost chanting it, looking into the mirror and willing himself to believe it, feel it even though it was the last thing he really felt:<em> 'I will have a good time, and I will not think about Chris. I will have a good time, and I will not think about Chris. I will have a…'<em>

The knock on his door made him jump and he dropped the glass of vodka he was holding. It smashed on the hardwood floor but he didn't feel the shards grazing his skin. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins and all he felt was his own heartbeat and the blood rushing past his ears. Forcing him to enjoy.

Joe was there before he realised what was happening_, 'Hey, buddy, are you ready, the cab's here'. _

'_Why hadn't Joe mentioned the broken glass on the floor?'_ that was just odd, he thought to himself. _'Ouch, that hurts' _he winched as he brushed the splinters off of his ankles and pulled on his boots and jacket, ready to forget and enjoy.

The cab ride to the club was a bit of a blur, Joe did most of the talking and Darren grinned a forced grin at him. They picked Joey, Lauren and Brian up on the way and in no time they had got where they were going.

They jumped the queue and were inside in no time. The music was thumping and Darren wasn't really sure why they had decided to come here at all, wasn't sure this was what he needed at all. _'Chris?'_ But sinking a beer, he felt a little more relaxed and chanted again _'I will have a good time, and I will not think about Chris. I will have a good time, and I will not think about Chris._'

'_How is it that trying to have a good time is so much harder than just having a good time?'_

It wasn't until several drinks later that that Darren realised that they had got in so quickly because of him. He revelled in the idea, and just enjoyed soaking it up. It carried on once they were in there. They were ushered to the VIP area and drinks they hadn't ordered appeared. _'Well it would be rude not to drink them, and I do want to relax and have a good time after all'_.

The dance floor in the VIP area was pulsating, and Darren did like to dance, even if he wasn't very good at it, all animated faces and bouncing. _'What was wrong with animated and bouncing? _'The throng of girls around him on the dancefloor certainly didn't think there was anything wrong with it, and he was loving it,_ 'This was how it was meant to feel' _he murmured as one of the girls got a little too close and he could feel her breath in his ear.

Blanking out the contact and enjoying the hum of the music, Darren was oblivious, dancing, he supposed that he was grinding, and just letting loose. This felt good, really good.

He felt a tug at his shoulder, a warm touch that felt familiar. Turning, comfortably, he was shocked to see brown eyes looking back at him. Rewinding, moving away from this stranger he gasped and realised that he'd been sure, so sure that he'd be looking into icy blue eyes.

He carried on dancing with her, willing it to feel right, two whole songs of her holding him, feeling him. _'This should feel good, shouldn't it?'_ But it felt strange and unfamiliar. Brown eyes where there should be icy blue. Soft, tiny hands where there could be something else. Curves where he knew there needed to be angles.

Pulling away in what he thought was a subtle way he heard himself say on auto-pilot _'Thanks for that, that was fun, see you around yeah?' _and with the words came the movement. Reeling away to the comfort of his friends – who did not judge. He was back in their arms, they loved him for who he was and that was all.

…

Joe felt kind of like a voyeur. But he had been watching his friend all evening, so he supposed that if the hat fit he might as well wear it.

He had always been more jealous of Darren than he had wanted to admit. He knew that he got his fair share of interest. But he knew that Darren had something, something, he did not have.

And that was why Darren had - no exaggeration - thirty-five people hanging off of his every move, salivating and staring as his friend clumsily danced and enjoyed himself.

Joe kind of enjoyed seeing his friend let loose. The other, larger part of him remembered the lights off look he had seen just two days ago and worried about his friend. Especially as he saw his famous friend mouth towards him….

'_Help me…'_ Joe tried to fight through the crowd to this friend. But it was too much; he got pushed away one time too many. And to his eternal shame he gave up and went back to their friends, away from Darren's desperate gaze.

…

Lost in an uncomfortable reality Darren felt a voice in his head overtake and overwhelm, as unfamiliar eyes tried to dig down into his soul and change the view that had become his world _'I will have a good time, and I will not think about Chris. I will have a good time, and I will not think about Chris. I will have a good time…' _

And blue eyes replaced brown and it was all he could see.


	5. Chapter 1

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack to this part  
><strong>Artic Monkeys: I bet you look good on the dance floor.  
>Blondie: One way or another.<p>

**Part 5  
><strong>Reeling and forcing his way through the crowd, the dance floor and the unfamiliar chocolate brown eyes, Darren felt himself crash into something hard that didn't falter as he slammed into it. Strong arms wrapped around him, he felt himself relax as he sank in and let himself be swept along, further away from the noise and the shame and guilt he felt in the pit of his stomach.

He felt broken glass crunch under his feet on the sticky dance floor, reminding him of the scene earlier in his room. He felt the dull thump of bumping into soft bodies as they moved away from all of this.

Looking up he saw his friend guiding them through the crowd, pushing and making sure that they got back safely to their booth. Collapsing into the softness of the seat, he instinctively pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged himself, rocking. Joe had disappeared again and without him Darren felt lost and vulnerable in the dark loneliness of the club.

Drifting off and away, he searched for the bright blue eyes that he longed for; they provided comfort, understanding and possibilities. But he knew even in this relaxed, sleepy state that with all these possibilities came confusion, and the knowledge that every day would be a battle.

His mind took him to a safe place and he dozed in the comfort of his own head. For once switching off and enjoying the relaxing, safe feeling of being hugged, and having someone rock him gently to sleep. For what felt like forever he let the warm comfort engulf him and enjoyed soaking up the love he felt.

It took a long moment to realise that the hollow feeling in his chest was back. Even at home with his friends, in his safe place; the gnawing grind of his missing heart was more evident than ever. How had he really thought he could live like this – switched off from everything that mattered to him. This was killing him alive and he needed to let someone else in.

Opening his eyes groggily, the sad realisation crept in. He wasn't being hugged; no one was rocking him to sleep. He was sat alone, in a club he wanted to be as far away from as possible. The biggest and only wish in his head screaming, '_Please, please come and get me and take me away from here.'_

_..._

He stood at the VIP bar shaking, feeling like the worst friend in the world; to the most vulnerable friend he had ever seen. _How had he let a pang of stupid jealously stop him from being there when his friend needed him?_ He would make this up to him. He didn't care what it took.

'_Two double vodka and cokes please' _shoving a $20 bill into the barmaid's hand he hurried back to their booth. His friend was curled up in the corner, and for the first time since he'd met him at the airport he look relaxed. Looking at Darren, really properly looking at him, Joe shuddered; he was shocked at what he saw.

Dark circles under his eyes, hair longer and shaggier than it should have been, collarbone jutting out uncomfortably far, clothes looking like they needed a wash and an iron, the list went on. His friend needed help, and even if he didn't know what the problem was he sure as hell was going to help him find a way out from this.

He put the glasses down on the table as carefully and quietly as he could. He sat opposite his friend and stroked his hair to try to wake him up. He didn't want to make him jump. _'Well that didn't work'. _Trying again, he took his shoulder _'Since when was he that thin?'_ in his hand and gently squeezed, still nothing. Getting a bit worried now, he shook him, still gently, and said quietly _'Darren, wake up, I've got you a drink.'_

'_What the...Chris...where am I?' _his friend was to all intents and purposes still asleep, but to Joe it was like a light bulb had gone off in his head. He knew what the problem with his friend was, it'd never been clearer. But what to do about it. He'd never seen Darren with his walls up so high. How was he going to break in and make him open up?

'_Buddy wake up, I've got us a drink. Come on man, wake up this is an awesome party you're missing!'_

...

'_Urgh, how many Joe's are there meant to be?_' he muttered. Five couldn't be right. As he came round and realised he was on his own, hugging himself, five Joe's became one and the reality of the club throbbing all around him hit hard and fast.

'_I need to get out of here, I need to sleep'_ he heard himself saying, feeling disconnected from himself.

Looking at his friend, who was looking back at him with an odd look on his face, he heard Joe say _'Ok, no worries man, let's just have these and we can go home' _Home, he so wanted to go home. But home wasn't here anymore – home was wherever Chris was.

He took the drink, feeling like a zombie and drank it in three burning sips. Just wanting to get away and home. _'Come on then, let's go'_ he heard himself saying, in a voice he didn't recognise.

'_Hey buddy, give it a couple more minutes, I'm only halfway down mine' _Joe struggled to stay calm and light hearted as he took a sip of his drink grinding out the words. How was he going to broach this, if he screwed up those walls would never come down. Darren couldn't know that he knew, he'd been asleep when he'd said it.

'_Hey man, you've got a spare room right?_' Joe said in a false casual tone. _'Do you fancy a roommate? I could do with being in LA, trying to start an acting career in Ann Arbor is nearly impossible.'_

And he saw Darren's heart swell,_ 'Man that would be awesome, I have so many people I can introduce you to. You'll be getting work in no time' _for this first time his friend was grinning and the lights were on.

Joe had got in and switched them back on, even just a little bit.

...

If he'd thought the cab ride there was a blur the one back was incomprehensible. Drifting in and out of sleep he'd had vivid dreams of introducing Joe to his LA friends and contacts. He'd also dreamt of Chris, and unsettlingly an argument with him.

'_Ouch, what is that?'_ his eyes felt like they were on fire, he could see heat and red through the inside of his eyelids. He moved tentatively to feel his eyebrows and eyelids, everything was normal. Squeezing one eye open the light hit him and his eyes snapped shut.

Staggering across the room, eyes shut, he felt for the curtains and grabbed around blindly, managing to close them. Stumbling back to the direction of the bed, eyes closed even in the darkness out of habit, he tripped and fell. _'What the...?'_

Falling onto the bed he finally opened his eyes, and after a few seconds of trying to focus he saw his friend.

Joe was silently moving on his hands and knees, dustpan and brush in his hands, sweeping up tiny shards of glass from the night before. Looking at the care he was taking it struck him how unusual that was from his friend.

'_Hey buddy, you ok?'_ Joe said when he realised Darren was awake.

'_Erm ok I think, at least I can only see one of you now, not five. That was scary. One domesticated Joe I can kind of handle, five is too much for anyone.' _Darren sort of chuckled.

Joe so wanted to say that he knew the pain he was in, and he understood what was causing it. But he knew that if he said that now, Darren would push him away and never let him in. He needed to take it slow and help him at the pace he was ready to deal with.

Lying on the bed, arms over his eyes, Darren mused to himself _'Having Joe in LA was going to be a good thing, it felt like a very good thing' _he wasn't entirely sure why, but deep down in his soul he felt having his friend Joe around and in his life was just what he needed right now.

…


	6. Chapter 6

**23 Dec updated - happy nearly Christmas! Re-posting this part minus the typos xx Also if anyone wants to be my beta, I would welcome you with open arms!**

Hi, another part for you, mainly from Chris' perspective. Thank you for the reviews, they mean such a lot especially as I have never written before! Sorry about the technical glitches, the story is in the right order; just some of the parts are called the wrong thing! A little bad language in this part. Lucy x

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 6  
><strong>Ed Sheeran: The A Team**  
><strong>Band of Skulls: Honest**  
><strong> 

**Part 6  
><strong>Waking up with a stiff neck and something damp and sticky pressed to his face, it took him a long time to realise where he was and even longer to focus and take in the familiar surroundings of his apartment.

'_Shit, why is everything so blurry, I can't see straight.'_ Blinking hard and rubbing his eyes with his palms didn't help, in fact it made it worse. A bit more awake but still in a blurry, soft focus place, Chris sat up and peeled something off of the side of his face. Slowly starting to vaguely remember that it had a significance he wasn't sure of, he carefully took the damp text and placed it on the radiator to dry.

Unravelling himself from the awkward position he'd been in, stretching and crunching as he stood to his full height. He'd been asleep on the sofa for god knows how long, and it felt like longer. _'Ouch, how did that happen?'_ Trying to recall last night through the blur and haze, the last thing he could recall was reading _To kill a Mockingbird_, and being swept along in the story, remembering that he'd been amazed that he hadn't read it in years…

'_Oh'_, he felt himself sag, shrink and crumple a little as the memory formed and woke him up further. There was no other explanation for it; he'd cried himself to sleep. That was why he could barely see through his tear-scarred eyes. Last night the shock of the memories and feelings they'd evoked had been too much and he had crumbled. Crying himself to sleep, reading Darren's high school text. He sighed as he realised he had it bad, worse than even he had acknowledged up until now.

Gritting his teeth he fought the urge to put his phone back together and call Darren, lay it all on the line and open up. Instead he shook his head and pulled at his own hair hard, distracting himself and putting that idea to the back of his mind. Muttering under his breath, _'Only a week to go and then we will talk. I'll make things right.'_

Suddenly feeling encrusted in sleep, memories, and in a bit of a trance, he walked slowly to the other end of his apartment. Pulling the door open, squinting hard as the bright, artificial light seared into him. He felt like a rabbit in the headlights of his own home.

The steam of the shower started to fill the room. Chris wiped the condensation from the mirror, just enough to see himself looking back. As he looked at himself in the mirror he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was so blindingly, jarringly appropriate, but it broke his heart at the same time. There, for him and him alone to see in the safety of his empty apartment, printed down the entire length of his right cheek like a stamp, claiming ownership – **Darren Criss, set text junior year**.

He hesitated before stepping into the shower, feeling sad and an ache in his chest as he knew it was washing away.

…

She had lost count of the number of times she'd called his mobile and his home phone. She'd also sent him eight emails – two a day – she kept it to that, she didn't want to be too pushy. Maybe he just really did need some space to think.

She knew Chris pretty well she thought, and this was his style, ignoring an issue, brushing it off and trying to force it to go away.

Thinking back to the awkward non-conversation on Tuesday, Ashley felt guilty. As soon as she'd asked the question - intentionally hitting that raw nerve - she knew she'd started a train of events that wouldn't stop until they were resolved. One way or another.

She had no idea about what this, resolved, would look like. But she knew she'd be there for him and that he had to be true to himself.

She cared about Chris deeply, she knew by pushing it as an issue she was causing him pain, scratching the top off of a scab that ran deep. But knowing (and the look in his eye in the park told her all she needed to know) that he understood that it came from a place of caring eased her guilt and strengthened her resolve. She would see her friend happy.

….

He packed in a rush, trying to look calm and casual. _'Fuck it; I don't want to give him time to change his mind. Do I even need half of this shit?' _thinking tohimself, adrenaline pushing him on.

Darren was sat in the corner of the room scribbling into a notebook – lyrics or lines he wasn't sure. But it was good to see his friend engrossed in something, the lights were still on and even though he still looked tired he looked a little more like himself. He was concentrating hard, it was written all over his face, but Joe was still careful to give his best impression of calm, collected and nonchalant. He felt the polar opposite inside.

The mood had lifted ever since he had asked – well told really – whether he could be Darren's LA roommate. Any awkwardness between them had evaporated and every cell in Joe's body told him this was a good thing to do. The right thing to do. Especially after he'd been such an arse at the club. _'I am going to be there for him, he needed me and I let him down.'_

…_._

He was engrossed in the contents of his notebook, it was written all over his face – a perfect mask. Lyrics or lines, it didn't make any difference. LA had taught Darren to be awesome at multitasking and as he watched Joe and also scribbled in his notepad at the same time he knew he had that skill down.

He did feel a genuinely guilty; he knew Walker was having a tough time making a go of it in Anne Arbor. So having his friend come to stay, and meet some of Darren's contacts was the least he could do, Joe had been there for him so many time during Uni. Darren had got his lucky break through no fault of his own, and helping one of his closest and oldest friends was the least he could do.

'_Stop being so self-absorbed'_ he heard himself whisper. He felt crap as he accepted that helping Joe made him feel good, and that having Joe around made him feel good. _'Stop being such a selfish arsehole' _he growled at himself.

The guilt was eating him up, but he had done it for the right reasons. Pretending to be asleep in the club, muttering under his breath, he had honestly said what he'd been feeling – what he was always feeling. Chris was never off of his mind. And he did need Joe's help - he was just terrified to outright ask.

'_And this would really help Joe too.'_

Darren added deceiving one of his best friends to things he wasn't proud of. He placed it at the top of the list of things he lost sleep over at night, and went back to his notepad.

'_There is nothing more badass than being who you are, there is nothing more badass than being who you are, there is nothing more badass than being who you are.' _

And he willed himself to believe it. To have the conviction to stand by his own sentiments.

…


	7. Chapter 7

**27 Dec – **Apologies for the repost, I forgot to mention, and a couple of people asked me to clarify after the last part, the Joe I am referring to is Joe Walker. Sorry for any confusion. And again thank you for all the lovely reviews!

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 7  
><strong>Pearl Jam: Alive  
>The Bluetones: Talking to Clarry<p>

**Part 7  
><strong>The last week in Ann Arbour went by in a blur. Darren couldn't decide whether it was flying by or dragging along too slowly. All he did know was that he had an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach that was growing progressively as the week ebbed away. And the hollow feeling in his chest was back with a vengeance and bigger than it had ever been. He distracted himself each day meeting friends and writing ideas for new songs – songs which were an odd combination of terribly melancholic and overly romantic.

And he also helped Joe get organised for their trip back to LA.

Even in his worst moods Joe had the ability to make Darren laugh and forget for a while. Packing or the lack thereof was a prime example. Now he knew he was disorganised, but Joe took it to another level.

'_Man, where the hell are my snow boots'_ Joe grumbled, throwing flip flops and crumpled t-shirts in all directions looking for the elusive boots. _'For fucks sake I know they're here somewhere'_

Darren tried to disguise a burst of laughter into a cough, either way, it interrupted his friends ranting, Joe scowled at him_ 'What's so funny? The plane leaves in four hours and I haven't even started packing.'_

That much was clear, in fact the dryer was still churning in the kitchen as Joe frantically tried to wash and dry nearly his entire wardrobe in one day.

Darren tried to wipe the smirk off of his face, _'Buddy, stop for a second. Where are we going?'_

Joe looked at him confused, _'Los Angeles clearly.'_

'_And'_ Darren carried on, really grinning now _'what is the date?'_

'_The date, why the hell do you need to know what the date is? It's September 23rd'_

'_You are going to LA at the tail end of the summer and you're wasting time looking for snow boots! How long are you planning on staying exactly?' _Darren said in mock seriousness, with a glint in his eye.

'_Oh, I, um, well I'm just trying to be organised. I'm not assuming that...'_ but before he could finish Darren had tackled him to the floor in a massive bear hug and Joe could see he was grinning from ear to ear.

'_Shit man, I'm kidding! Stay as long as you like, just chill with the life or death packing, there are shops in LA you know!'_

Having Joe move in was going to be good fun, Darren knew this for sure, the easy banter was just what he needed in his life right now. He also knew that his friend had a softer, deeper side, and in time, back in LA, Darren would open up to him and let him know about the constant internal battle he was fighting.

Darren's phone buzzed and he scrambled back across the room to retrieve it – disappointed again. He was pretty sure that even back in LA he wouldn't admit to Joe that every time he had a text or a missed call his pulse would quicken and he'd get goose bumps, every cell in his body willing it to be Chris. He was left disappointed each and every time.

...

Chris paced around his apartment like a caged animal, slowly going mad. Darren was back in two days. He felt like he was standing on the very edge of a very tall cliff face – working out how to take the leap into the unknown.

Each time he paced past the mirror in the lounge he caught sight of himself. This time apart to think had been good; it had made things a little clearer. Looking at himself now, the ashamed, guilty figure from a couple of weeks ago was gone.

Pacing and pacing, thinking and thinking, Chris suddenly realised he needed to stop thinking and starting doing. Grabbing his wallet, car keys, pen and a certain battered and watermarked book, he took one last look at himself in the mirror and left the isolation of his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

He was shaking, struggling to get the key in the ignition. He was shaking so badly he had to use both hands, holding steady and inserting the key. Gulping down the last remnants of doubt and fear, he started the engine and knew that this would be one of the most important journeys of his life.

...

It was also one of the shortest. He was there and back in half an hour and that included ten minutes sitting in his car, pen in shaking hand, trying to work out exactly what he wanted to say.

Feeling an odd combination of a weight having been lifted and also a sense of impending doom Chris tried, with very little success, to distract himself with trashy TV.

That tiny voice in his head would not go away, telling him to go back, kick down the door and undo what he had done.

...

The airport was busy with people coming and going. He smiled to himself as he realised how different this was to the last time he'd stood in the airport in Ann Arbour just a month ago. He was happy, happy to have Joe around and to be going back to LA.

They'd finally finished packing two hours ago; leaving half of Joe's stuff behind in the end, deciding it could get sent on to them.

But to be honest the shops in LA were great. And even though Darren had only thought it at the time, auditions and schmoozing needed clothes that didn't exclusively carry the University of Michigan logo. Darren smiled fondly, looking at his friend who currently looked like a walking advert for the University merchandise store.

'_What?'_ Joe said frowning at him slightly. Without saying anything Darren pulled Joe's UoM cap off his friend's head and put it on his own, pulling him towards the boarding gate.

...

The flight was fun, it was the first time he'd travelled first class. One of the perks of having a 'celebrity' friend that was for sure, even though that friend looked entirely awkward with the upgrade from business to first they'd got.

They settled into their seats and the time drifted past easily, a mixture of movies, music, naps free drinks and chatting about nothing in particular.

As they got nearer the end of the flight Joe wasn't sure if he was imagining it but he thought his friend had become quieter, with a slightly strained look in his eyes when he smiled. Joe tried to ignore it and move the conversation back to who Darren was going to introduce him to. However, he made a mental note to not leave it too long to try and get Darren to open up to him.

...

Finding their car after a little bit of a struggle, they both slept most of the ride back to Darren's apartment. By the time they got there it was dark and raining. _Great welcome to LA_ Joe thought to himself.

Dragging their bags into the lift, it took two trips to get all of their stuff up onto the shared landing. Fumbling for his key, half asleep, Darren finally opened it and walked on in, dragging a couple of bags behind him.

'_What the...'_ hearing a crash and clatter behind him Darren turned around to see Joe slumped against the wall in the hallway, bag hanging off of his shoulder. _'What happened man?'_ Darren asked, confused. _'I tripped on something, it's over there'_ Joe said pointing to the thick envelope that he'd accidently kicked into the kitchen.

Walking over and picking it up Darren's stomach dropped into his feet, while his heart simultaneously swelled recognising the handwriting. Hands shaking as he slowly and carefully opened it, not wanting to tear or damage it. He peered into the envelope and felt his eyes pick with tears as disappointment washed over him. It was his own copy of _To kill a Mockingbird _he'd left it at Chris' the last time he'd been there. Muttering under his breath _'I guess that's his way of drawing a line under everything – closure'. _

He slid the book out of the envelope and frowned at the condition it was in. Darren was no neat freak by any means, but the book was a mess, the pages were all crumpled and rippled, as if it had been left out in the rain. That wasn't Chris' style; he looked after everything, especially books. His love of writing and reading were nearly equal.

He put the book down on the kitchen work surface and sadly went to the fridge. Turning back to get a glass he noticed the book had fallen open, the inside front cover on display. He couldn't believe it at first, but once he saw it he couldn't tear his eyes away, everything around him fading out as the handwriting came into sharp focus...

'_Darren, I don't really know what to say, or what any of this means, but I miss you so much. I need you in my life more than anything. We need to talk. I am not going to lose you. Chris x' _

_..._

**I hope you enjoyed that! I love all the reviews, thank you so much. Happy Christmas for tomorrow. Lucy x**


	8. Chapter 8

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 8  
><strong>Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - Doll in music box  
>Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – Hushabye Mountain<p>

**Part 8**

…._I don't really know what to say, or what any of this means, but I miss you so much. I need you in my life more than anything. We need to talk. I am not going to lose you…._

That was all Darren had been waiting for, even if he hadn't known it until now.

Ignoring the overwhelming urge to run and hide, he grabbed his coat and door keys and ran out of his apartment into the early hours of the morning, his mind racing at a million miles an hour. Joe's confused shouts left in his wake.

…_.._

Darren woke with a start, confused for a few minutes, initially not sure of where he was, then looking slowly around the room he'd been in so many times before. _Before all the distance had started and then become normal _he thought to himself. It was still dark and the apartment was silent. Almost scared to move, he looked across the room to the other sofa to see Chris sleeping peacefully.

They hadn't really talked last night. It'd been 3am when Darren had arrived out of breath and severely jetlagged, but the look on Chris' face as he'd opened the door to Darren told him he was doing the right thing. The look of worry, surprise, relief and then excitement that had passed across Chris' face spoke volumes. In that moment, they realized that though they were confused, they were both just as certain they had something there worth fighting for; worth losing things for.

Darren stared at the ceiling thinking, _and trying not to think_ for an hour or so, the room getting gradually lighter around him. Chris started to stir and Darren was really not sure if he wanted him to wake up yet.

The hour or so they'd spent together before Darren's jetlag had won out had been so tender. Chris had pulled him into a tight embrace, squeezing him in a way that spoke of regret and longing and more than anything, something that felt to Darren a lot like love.

When they had eventually pulled apart, the hint of awkwardness and unresolved and unspoken conversations kicked in. Chris had spent a lot of time sitting across the room from him just seemingly deep in thought. Darren in a haze of jetlag and in-flight drinks realised, but couldn't help, the soppy giveaway smile he knew was on his face.

He'd missed Chris so much it had physically hurt. He'd only survived at all by closing himself down, locking his heart away, but now, now he was open, as readable as before. Wearing his heart vulnerably on his sleeve.

'_Morning Darren, did you sleep ok?'_ and that one line, so normal and innocuous had Darren's heart beating hard and fast, and that felt good, really, really good.

…

Chris realised that he hadn't felt this happy and relaxed in months. And that was saying something considering how unbelievably awkward this had the potential to be. _Was going to be._

Chris wasn't sure exactly why he had spent the last hour pretending to be asleep. He was almost able to convince himself it wasn't because he wanted to hear Darren breathing and thinking, _that would just be creepy _he cringed to himself. He was scared that when they were awake, in the cold light of day, it would be awkward conversation after awkward conversation.

Lying there thinking, he pictured Darren's face when he answered the door last night. He'd looked happy, really happy; he looked more alive than Chris had seen him in months. Fighting back the blush he realised was going to give his 'sleeping' away, it made his head spin to know that he had made Darren that happy. One sentence scribbled in the front of a book had done that to him.

Feeling the sunlight though his closed eyes, Chris needed, no ...he wanted, to wake up and see Darren, to speak to him, to try and work out what was going on. They needed to figure out what they were. When they'd embraced last night on his doorstep, it had felt wonderful, scary ...but wonderful. Having Darren pressed against him, feeling him close, felt a lot like how he thought love would feel.

Steeling himself and concentrating on how Darren had looked at him last night, he pushed away the doubts and fears for now and used every ounce of the actor in him to sound casual and calm._ 'Morning Darren, did you sleep ok?'_

Darren's looked over and smiled a genuine, easy smile not saying a word.

And more than anything Chris was surprised how natural that sounded, and how good it had felt to say it. How good it would feel to wake up to Darren every morning.

…

They ate breakfast in comfortable yet awkward silence, alternating between not looking at each other at all and holding each other's gaze for too long. Both aware that this had the potential to be amazing or go horribly wrong; they both worked hard to try to ease the tension that was building.

Loading the dishwasher Chris looked up, and without thinking, heard himself say _'You look like you could sleep for days and it still wouldn't be enough.' _Seeing the hurt look flash across Darren's face he kicked himself and tried to make up for it, _'Why don't we watch a DVD, I don't need to be anywhere today, you'd be doing me a favour, you know I hate my own company.' _

Reading him like a book, Darren quickly agreed and they decided on _Chitty Chitty Bang Bang _both stating in all seriousness that it was a modern great and not appreciated enough.

'_Can we have snacks? And nothing healthy please'_ Darren asked. Before he knew it they were settled on the sofa with a pile of popcorn, pretzels and soft drinks between them.

'_Oh my god, you are not serious?'_ Chris was nearly in tears he was laughing so hard _'Stop hiding, he's not that scary!'_

Darren was wide eyed and peering through his fingers, whispering _'What are you talking about, he's terrifying! Look at him!'_ Chris loved finding out random facts about Darren, and knowing that he was outright terrified of the Child Snatcher was just another thing to add to the list of things that made him who he was.

They carried on watching the film, in peaceful silence. Or more precisely Chris carried on watching the film, humming along quietly to the songs, while Darren snored quietly along to the songs, having fallen asleep with his hands still hiding his face from the terror that was the Child Snatcher.

Chris found himself watching Darren sleep peacefully, still jet lagged it would seem. And then it was warm, and so comfortable, and the sugar rush from the snacks was wearing off fast. And he whispered to himself, _'I'll just close my eyes for a minute.'_

….

When Chris woke up he couldn't move. There was something heavy on him, and it was squeezing him tight. '_Oh, that'll be Darren then' _Chris thought hazily, smiling, eyes still closed and soaking the feeling up, savouring it.

Drifting back off to sleep, he snuggled in and enjoyed it, cherishing the weight, secretly worried that this might be the first and last time he'd experience it. Everything was going to be so complicated; it was really not going to be easy, and really not what they needed right now.

He frowned, trying to push that thought to the back of his mind. Darren shifted, groaned and Chris felt him exhale warmly, waking up. All they could do was stare into each other's eyes; there was nowhere else to look. Their lips were so close they could feel each other's breath warm against their skin.

'_Hi'_ Darren whispered shyly into Chris' mouth. Chris just smiled and enjoyed the feeling of accidental closeness.

Still not moving, and looking at him sleepily, but also sounding worried, Darren whispered, so quietly Chris thought he'd imagined it, _'Can I stay tonight? On the sofa? I just want to be near you.'_

'_Of course, I'd love it if you stayed.' _Chris heard himself saying as they moved closer and without really realising it their lips met.

…_._

**A/N – **Don't know why, but I found that part tricky! I hope you still enjoyed it, and thank you for the alerts/favourites/reviews, they are what keeps me motivated to carry on with the story. And a big thank you to midlifecrisses for helping me by offering to beta for me, she's awesome! And this will hopefully mean I won't need to repost anymore after spotting mistakes. Lucy x

Also sorry about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, it's one of my favourites and seemed like the adorkable sort of thing Darren and Chris would enjoy.


	9. Chapter 9

Hi! I hope you like this part. Please review, good or bad I can learn from it, so please let me know what you honestly think x **ps thanks to midlifecrisses the pesky typos are now long gone!**

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 9  
><strong>Aiden Grimshaw: Perfect Stranger/Ain't no sunshine.  
>Lana Del Rey: Blue Jeans<p>

**Part 9  
><strong>When he woke up it was still dark; Chris squinted to force the clock on the other side of his bedroom come into focus. _'Urgh, it's not even six yet.' _Stretching, feeling the emptiness in his bed, hearing his own bones crack and pop, he knew that whether he remembered it or not he'd had a restless night's sleep.

Feeling like a caffeine deprived zombie, he forced himself out of bed and towards the living room - bracing himself. Ready to have, or at least start to have, the difficult conversations they had succeeded in avoiding for the last two nights.

'_Hey Darren'_ he half said, half whispered, as he walked across the room.

And again, he knew it before he saw it. The sofa was screaming at him in the empty room. Darren was gone, and long gone it seemed, as the blankets and pillows didn't have a trace of his warmth on them.

There was one measly, inanimate object left on the sofa, in the gaping hole Darren had left. And honest to god, Chris could nearly hear it laughing at him. Angry at himself, he grabbed it, ready to throw it across the room, to tear it into pieces.

But the laughing turned into pleading, pleading him to take a second, a second to read just a few words.

_'I love you, but 'I'm not sure as what. I need time to think. If we're going to be something I need to be clear in my own mind. I don't want to drag you into the confusion in my head, you don't deserve that – you're too important to me. Speak soon. x'_

And for the second time, Chris was crying on to the pages of that god forsaken book. Every word Darren had written confused him, breaking and swelling his heart in equal measure.

'_He needs to think'_

'_But he loves me'_

'_And I'm important to him'_

And the single kiss, which was smeared with a long passed tear that Chris knew wasn't his own shattered his heart into thousands of tiny pieces.

…..

He felt like two very different parts of the same confused person. He walked back to his apartment in the early morning light, still dark enough not to worry about anyone recognising him.

Darren observed himself – an outsider looking in. On the surface he seemed to have a bounce in his step, and a silly half smile on his sleep deprived face. But underneath there was something else, there was the hint of a frown, a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and a slight drag in his step. An uneasy combination; and it felt that way too.

Thinking back to the night before - half asleep on Chris' sofa - it had all felt easy, right and natural. Waking up holding him, and feeling brave enough to brush their lips together.

In that one moment on Chris' sofa, Darren had never felt more sure of anything. Whether he wanted to be or not, whether it was going to be easy for them or not. The truth was he loved Chris. And he was pretty sure he was only kidding himself, and hurting Chris by fighting it. This was not the type of love that grows into a deep friendship. This was a love that was all consuming, obsessive and pretty much, almost too much, for him to handle.

Grumbling out loud Darren muttered to himself _'Why do good things have to be so freaking complicated.'_

…..

Ashley nearly jumped out of her skin when her phone rang. It was the first time in weeks she'd heard the ringtone that meant it was Chris.

She calmed herself, and decided to let it go to voicemail. Centring herself and repeating _'Do not have a go at him, but make him tell you what's going on. He needs your help. Do not have a go at him, but make him tell you what's going on. He needs your help.'_

And sure enough her phone rang again; the Chris she hadn't heard from for weeks was now very much trying to get in contact with her._ 'What's changed' _she wondered to herself, knowing full well the subject, if not the content, of the conversation they would be having very soon.

Her heart broke as she listened to Chris' message; he sounded sorry, so sorry, but also confused and unsure of himself. _'Ash, I, um...I'm really sorry…I've been a terrible friend. And you were only trying to help. I'm sorry. And you have every right to tell me to get lost…but… I could really do with seeing you if you have time.'_

The crack in Chris' voice was all she needed to hear, he might try to hide behind flippant words, but to Ashley it was crystal clear, her friend needed her help and she'd been waiting for weeks to be able to support him. Grabbing her door keys and car keys, she was walking out of her apartment building as she called him. Determined to help Chris sort this out before it ate him up and spat him out.

…

And he crept into his apartment, and silently closed the door he felt guilt pure and simple wash over him. He'd dragged his friend half way across the country, and then abandoned him with no explanation as soon as they'd arrived. _'Some friend I am'_ Darren growled to himself.

Entering his apartment seemed to have a draining effect on him. As soon as he'd shut the door the overwhelming urge to sleep hit him. _'No, suck it up; you don't deserve to sleep after the crappy way you've behaved.'_

He stepped into the shower, trying in vain to wash the sleep and the shame away. Darren's thoughts would not do as they were told and were determined to punish him. They drifted to Chris' face, the face that had been full of worry, surprise, relief and then excitement seeing Darren at his front door. That had felt so intense, intense to know he could make Chris feel all of those things. But now, now he was pretty sure that all he had left Chris feeling was confused and anxious.

'_Darren, Darren, are you ok buddy? Where the hell have you been?'_

Jolting him out of his self-pity. A sinking feeling set in as the pounding at the bathroom door consumed him, it left him in no doubt that Joe would not let him escape easily. He was going to have to explain himself.

…_._

His friend looked more tired than he'd ever seen him. Bags under his eyes and worry lines all over his face. And he felt a pang of guilt wash across him as he realised he was the cause of this.

'_Holy shit Darren, where the fuck have you been? I haven't slept for two days. You ran out in tears after reading some crap in a book, and then I hear nothing from you for two days. What the hell's going on?'_

Put like that, and seeing the state his friend was in, Darren couldn't exactly argue. He did owe Joe an explanation and fast.

…

His friend looked more tired than he'd ever seen her. Bags under her eyes and the feisty spark he was so used to well hidden. He felt guilt wash across him as he realised he was the cause of this.

_Chris, where the hell have you been, I've been trying to get hold of you for weeks. This is not the way you treat your supposed best friend and you know it. What the hell's going on?'_

Put like that, and seeing the state his friend was in, Chris couldn't exactly argue. He did owe Ash an explanation and fast.

….

Head in hands; slumped into the sofa, wishing it would swallow him up, Darren realised there was no escape. Joe's pissed off, but worried stare hadn't left him for one second. Time to confess, and with a deep gulp he heard himself say _'It's really complicated, but I love them, and I'm willing to lose anything for them'._

He knew he was a coward, sticking to _'them'_ even though he knew Joe knew it was a _'he'_. But how could he admit it to his friend when he couldn't properly admit it to himself.

…

Pacing backwards and forwards, Chris was wearing a groove, he was sure, into the carpet. There was a knock at the door and relief washed over him. He would have to tell someone now and that would be a good thing. Holding it all in, this secret was killing him.

He opened the door and Ashley pulled him into a bone crunching hug. But then, after just a couple of seconds she pushed him away, a steely look in her eye.

'_Chris, come on now, man up and tell me. I know it's hard but I need you to tell me.'_

And seeing the tears in her friend's eyes broke her heart, but she had to get him to do this, he needed to be honest with her so she could help him.

'_Ash, I think I love him, and I think even though he is really scared and confused, he loves me too. I don't care what I lose, I need him.'_

And as she pulled her friend into another all-encompassing hug, she smiled on the inside. This was massive, progressing more than she could've imagined. They were going to be fine, it wasn't going to be easy, but she knew that nothing would keep them from being with each other.

….


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi, happy new year! **Sorry about the delay in this latest part, I've not been every well and had a little writers block. But here it is I hope you like it. Mainly from Darren's point of view. Don't worry Chris will be up next. I am in New York from 12 Jan seeing a certain someone on Broadway so I will either get part 11 up before I go or when I'm back at the end of the month.

I hope you enjoy this part, please keep the reviews coming, Lucy x

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 10  
><strong>Adele: Turning Tables  
>Adele: One and Only<p>

******Part 10  
><strong>_'I need you to be honest with me man, what's going on with you? This is not normal, you're happy and up in the clouds one minute, crying and depressed the next' _

Silence hung between them, a ticking clock the only sound.

'_Come on, I know you, we've been friends for years. Secrets and you just don't get along, they eat you up inside. Spit it out, talk to me.' _

More silence. And now Joe could feel himself getting annoyed.

'_Buddy, be fair, you dragged me half way across the country, and abandoned me as soon as we got here. I deserve to know what's going on. If you don't tell me, and tell me now, I'm packing my bags and leaving tonight.'_

He knew that was a low blow on two fronts. But it had finally done the trick.

Darren's head snapped up out of his hands, eyes wide, staring at Joe in shock. _'I dragged you here! What do you mean I dragged you here? You begged me to come, for your career.'_

Letting out a loud sigh Joe looked his friend straight in the eye _'Darren we need to stop with the lying, it's a waste of time and energy.'_

Getting a little angry himself now, Darren snapped back_ 'What lying, what the hell do you mean?' _But even as the words left his mouth he realised Joe had been on to him from the beginning, had seen straight through him. From the airport, the club, on the flight back to LA and most certainly now.

'_Oh'_ was all Darren could muster, feeling embarrassed as the reality sunk in.

'_Oh, indeed. Buddy, I'm not an idiot. As soon as I saw you at the airport I knew there was something wrong. I've known you for years; I'm one of your best friends. But when you walked towards me in the airport I barely recognised you.'_

Darren tried to jump in and protest, but Joe just carried on not pausing for breath.

'_And in the club, what the hell was that. You were wasted before we even got there. In the taxi Lauren kept on giving me worried looks. We were all so worried about you – we decided that night that one of us would come and stay with you or a bit. It seemed like you just wanted to get drunk and escape from something for a while.'_

It was so quiet Joe only barely heard the whisper from his friend_ 'I did want to escape.'_

'_Escape from what though buddy, what were you trying to escape from?' _Joe gently questioned.

And the silence was back, heavier than ever.

'_Darren, you have to tell me, I need to hear it from you'._

And now the silence was deafening.

'_Darren, for fucks sake, I already know. And I know you wanted me to hear when you said it in the club - when you were pretending to be asleep. I'm not totally naïve. But I need to you to say it now, say it to me and to yourself.'_

Joe had got so engrossed in what he was saying he hadn't really looked at Darren too closely. In this latest silence he looked over and could see his friend had his head in his hands, and he was shaking. He was crying, tears streaming down his face and dripping on to his lap.

Not being able to handle the tough love any longer Joe stood and walked over to his friend, wrapping him in his arms and stroking his hair, trying to sooth the tears away. They stayed like this for a good fifteen minutes. The crying easing off for a while, and then coming backing in a new wave.

Joe never eased his grip on his friend, and Darren gripped back just as hard. Darren felt like a ship without an anchor, being tossed about and broken to pieces, the only thing he had to hold on to now was Joe. And he owed him honesty if nothing else.

'_The "them" I was talking about earlier. It's not a "them", it's a him. It's Chris.'_

Wow, Darren had not expected it to feel like that. Just saying it out loud to someone else: he felt like a tonne of bricks had been lifted off of him. He still felt scared, and worried and anxious. But one thing he didn't feel anymore was confused. He had never felt surer of anything. He loved Chris and he had to try to make it work.

Joe's voice brought him back out of his own head _'Buddy that's great. I'm happy for you. But what's with all the drama? I'm no expert, but I think love's meant to swell you're heart not rip it in half.'_

Darren gave him a look he hadn't seen before. It was mainly emotion and sorrow, but there was definitely relief and a hint of amusement in his eyes,_ 'Joe, when did you get so smart? You've been playing me the whole way along haven't you? And I fell or it. And I'm glad that I fell for it. You're a great friend, I hope you know that.'_

'_Aww man it's nothing, you'd do the same for me.' _Joe smiled back.

'_What trick you into letting me move in with you on the pretence of my career?' _Darren laughed not really meaning it.

'_Oh good try with the whole "lightening the mood thing" buddy. I'm not going to fall for it. Now I've got you talking, you may as well tell me what's going on with Chris. Why is it such a struggle?'_

Wow, put like that Darren really didn't know where to start. Sensing it, Joe pulled him back into the hug and simply said_ 'Just start from the beginning.' _

So he did.

'_I've never met anyone like Chris before. He is just amazing, clever, talented at everything, generous, caring and a much better person than I could ever be._

'_When we first met we clicked straight away, he's a total geek like me to and into a lot of the same stuff. But there was something else there between us, we never said out loud what it was or even talked about it. But it was definitely there. The kisses on set were only acting in the broadest sense of the word, and we both knew it._

'_I guess I backed myself into a bit of a corner. I'd always said with you guys and just chatting with the cast that I believed in falling in love with a person and not a gender. And that was easy to say to friends, and in theory. Unfortunately it was pretty easy in person too, and I was falling hard for Chris._

'_I think the studio started to hear whispers about me and Chris and stepped in. I didn't help it by saying I "identified as straight" in an interview. I really wish I hadn't said that, I don't know why I said that. Anyway they asked is to "stay professional" off set, and their definition of that was not to be seen together other than when we were filming. _

'_I feel like I owe everything to Ryan and Glee, and I went along with it for them and for myself if I'm being honest. I was and still am scared what would happen if I was open about how I feel for Chris. _

'_But it's too hard; I closed myself off, locked my heart away. Played a part. But it was eating me up inside. And I know now that I need him, I love him. And I don't care what I have to do, and what I have to lose to get him to understand that._

'_But I'm scared that he won't want me. _

'_I've made a right mess of things and the studio and the media are going to eat me up and spit me out for saying I was straight. Why would he want to be part of that mess?'_

By the end of it Darren was in tears again, and so was Joe. He'd never heard his friend sound so heartfelt, passionate and utterly broken.

'_I think you need to stop talking to me and start talking to Chris. Don't assume anything. You're not going to know how he's feeling until you give him the chance to tell you. Don't run away and hide, face it and you might just get someone amazing at the end of it.' _


	11. Chapter 11

**Update 29 Jan – minus the pesky typos! **

Hi! Well I had an amazing time in New York. Darren and the whole cast we're amazing. Also got to see Wicked, which I'm not ashamed to say had me in tears. Ok so here is the next part. Hope you enjoy, please review either way so I know how you're finding it.

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 11  
><strong>Wicked – For good  
>Coldplay – Paradise<br>**  
><strong>**Part 11**

'_Just talk to him.'_

'_Ash, it's not that easy. If it was, I would have done it by now believe me.'_

With a heavy sigh, but trying to be sympathetic, Ashley pushed a little more._ 'I know it's not easy, relationships never are. But honestly, I'm confused, what's the worst that could happen? What's worse than this weird limbo you two are in? You know it can't go on like this.'_

They fell into silence after that. Not a stubborn silence. No, this was filled to the brim with thoughts and feelings. And Ashley watched with interest as her friend wrestled with the question she had just posed.

After what felt like an eternity, a very small voice escaped into the room, sounding tiny, vulnerable and childlike.

'_I could lose him altogether. That's the worst thing that could happen. I don't think I would survive losing him.'_

Trying to stay strong for her friend, those words - those honest heart breaking words - made Ashley hold her breath and blink away the tears threatening to break free. Composing herself, and moving to sit next to her friend, she took his hand in hers and sat for a minute, contemplating.

'_But Chris, you do understand don't you? Unless you start being honest with each other, and talk about what's going on, you're going to end up losing him anyway.'_

Chris looked at her in an odd sort of sad and resigned way. And Ashley didn't know her heart could be broken so easily. All it took was a small nod and two words to break it in half.

'_I know.'_

Trying to pull herself back together, she took her free hand and tried to wipe the tears streaming down her face away. And she felt like a terrible friend, this was about Chris, not her. She was meant to be staying strong for him, not being so selfish.

'_Ash, please don't cry. It's ok, really it is, I'm ok.'_ and Chris brushed the tears from his friends cheek and drew her quietly into a hug. Holding her close and rocking gently until the tears stopped.

'_But Chris, it's not enough to be ok. You deserve to be happy. And I'm so worried for you. I know you're scared. Scared of losing him altogether if you go for this and it doesn't work out. _

'_But you have to talk to him. Give it a chance, see what happens. If you stay paralysed by the fear of what might go wrong, you're never going to know what the two of you are or aren't capable of being.'_

They stayed in their gentle embrace for what felt like a long time. And Chris whispered into his friend's hair, scared to let the words out into the world_ 'I know it's not enough to just be ok. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, missing the feeling of his lips on mine. Missing the feeling of his arms around me, the smell of him. But Ash I am so scared. Scared that if we try to be something and it doesn't work we'll be left with nothing at all.'_

Pulling away from her friend, she looked at him and said as gently as she could, trying to stay composed for his sake, _'Honey, you need to have more faith in yourself and in Darren. You showed me the note. Yes he's scared. But he loves you. And he's not going to change his mind about having you in his life just because the two of you decide to take a chance and risk being brave.'_

The silence hung in the air, not as easily as earlier, and Ashley wondered if she had gone too far. If she'd pushed her friend away. If the walls had gone back up again, like in the park all those weeks ago. But finally, finally, two little words broke through the silence.

'_I know.'_

And this time those two small, quiet words had a completely different tone to them. She could hear the small smile in her friend's voice.

'_I know he loves me. And I know more than anything that I love him. That's the easy bit. The hard part is doing something about it. _

'_But you're right, ok is not enough anymore. I need to go and speak to him. And I need to do it now before I change my mind again.'_

And with that, Chris picked up his phone, door keys and car keys, gave Ashley a hug goodbye on the way out and closed his apartment door behind him, rushing out into the night.

….

He was hoping the steam and heat from the shower would sober him up and stop his head from spinning. Drinking in the day was a bad idea. But after their long, tense conversation in his apartment, it hadn't taken much for Joe to convince him it was a good idea – just what he needed to relax and think through what he was going to do next.

_What he was going to do next._ Well right now that next thing he was going to do was get out of the confines of the shower, which was making him feel worse, much worse. The steam hanging heavy, making him feel claustrophobic and trapped within his own thoughts.

Stepping out into the too cold air, he had to grab hold of the sink as a woozy feeling took over. _'Shit I need to lie down, I feel sick'. _

Wandering into his bedroom, he felt himself drift off to sleep, hugging the pillow from the sofa - that pillow. But after what felt like only minutes, he woke to the buzzing of his phone which had fallen onto the floor as he slept though god knows how many missed calls.

Bleary eyed, rubbing them hard and not trusting what he was seeing, his heart started beating heavily at the sight of Chris' name. _'This is too soon, I'm not ready.' _

But, even thinking doubtful thoughts, he composed himself and answered the phone, readying himself for the conversation waiting at the other end of the line.

'_Hi Chris. Are you ok?... I was asleep sorry, where are you?... Let you in where?... Oh...'_

And his heart was beating so fast now, throat dry, palms tingling, not trusting himself to believe that Chris was just the other side of his front door.

'_Just give me a minute, I need to get dressed.'_

Frantically pulling on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, and shoving his glasses on, he took a deep breath and opened the door.

….

Chris was halfway through an awkward _'Hi'_, and frantically trying to think of how to start this conversation when he noticed a look in Darren's eye that made him pause in the doorway.

And that second's pause was all it took.

Darren had pulled him over the threshold of the apartment and had him pinned against the wall, kissing him with a passion Chris had never felt before. More than anything Chris wanted to kiss him back and never stop. But the taste of beer on Darren's lips and the sudden urgency of the kiss made him push Darren away.

And then the words came out in a hurry,_ 'Stop. It's too easy to do this, and it feels amazing. But it doesn't mean anything like this, not really. _

'_It's too painful doing this without knowing what it means, it's not fair. We need to talk, now. Decide what we are and what we can be. _

'_I want us to be everything.'_

…_._


	12. Chapter 12

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 12  
><strong>Lana Del Rey – Radio  
>Extreme – More than Words<br>**  
><strong>**Part 12**

Something down in the pit of Darren's stomach made every hair on his body stand on end. Shivering and shaking without realising it. It felt like he was on fire, or had a surge of electricity running through him.

Thinking the remnants of thoughts, thoughts left over after the emotion and lust had taken most of him for themselves '_My god, if that's the affect a kiss has on me, I'm not sure I can take much else'_

Getting swept up in the moment he'd waited so long for, and letting it consume him, the tiny voice in the back of his head barely registered. _'Stop. It's too easy to do this….it doesn't mean anything like this, not really.'_

But it felt like it meant everything_. _Everything he'd been waiting for.

…..

A rough push reminded him of where he was. But still the emotion and the energy took over and the confused looks in Chris' eyes were enough to spur him on to pull them back together to continue the kiss.

'_This feels so good'._ Tangled together, merging into one.

And the pressure on his chest felt powerful and charged with emotion. But the loss of contact for a second time brought him to his senses.

As did the hard slap of a hand across his face.

'_Fuck, what was that in aid of?'_

Chris was wide eyed and staring at him with more intensity than he's ever seen, and it didn't take Darren long to realise he's crossed a line.

But as if on autopilot, the words came tumbling out, no filter available_ 'I'm sorry, please, come back to me, I need you. I need you touching me, right now. You're my everything.'_

And Chris shot back, lust blazing in his eyes _'Of course you need me. We've wanted each other for months. It's called desire.' _

Although still pretty drunk, Darren could tell from Chris' face that he's a long way from being finished and back in his arms.

But still Chris ploughed on,_ 'I want you so badly. And you're not helping; I pushed you away for a reason. We need to talk before this goes any further… But here you are. Was I too subtle? How clearly do I need to spell it out? Get off of me, and stay off of me.'_

'_But….' _Darren heard himself moaning.

'_But nothing. And if you're not in a fit state to have this conversation now, we'll have it later. I'm not going anywhere.'_

…_.._

And with that, Darren felt his whole body sag, and boy was lunchtime drinking a bad idea. Anger didn't begin to explain it, missing out on a conversation and the contact he's been waiting for months for because of a lousy drinking session. His stomach twisted again and this time it wasn't with desire, it was with longing.

'_Just go to bed for a bit and we'll talk later. Don't worry; I'm not going to let you off the hook that easily.'_

…_._

'_This is a bad idea, a bad, bad idea.'_

But even thinking it, Chris slid into bed next to a gently snoring Darren.

Getting him into bed had been something of a challenge. For some reason, giving him permission to sleep it off had also given Darren permission to turn into a lead weight. And even though he was smaller than Chris he was still heavy and being really, really annoying. _'Chris, come here, snuggle with me' _he muttered, reaching out and trying to grab Chris' wrist but thankfully missing.

'_No I think I'm ok over here.'_ Chris said, trying to remove Darren's socks and glasses from a safe distance.

But exhausted after the war of the layers, the sight of Darren sleeping so soundly was oddly tempting. '_I won't touch him, I need to be here to keep an eye on him, make sure he's ok. Nothing's going to happen''_

And true to his word nothing happened. Well, as long as spooning with the person you love, and you're pretty sure loves you back counts as _'nothing'_.

….

'_Hey you.'_

'_Hey you too'_

'_So I guess we need to talk, we can't keep on throwing ourselves at each other like this.' _Darren said with a little smile and a twinkle in his eye.

'_Excuse me; I think you'll find there's only one person doing the throwing round here. I never knew I was so good at catching until a couple of hours ago.'_

And remembering the drunken mess he'd been made Darren blush and squirm_. 'Fair point I suppose.'_

'_But I can't claim to be completely blameless, I do seem to be sharing a bed with you'_ and this time Chris was the one blushing as he spoke.

'_Oh yeah, I hadn't noticed.'_ Darren was grinning now and found Chris' hand winding their fingers together.

'_Urgh, no, stop _'And this time Darren stopped first time around.

After what felt like an eternity, it was surprisingly Darren who spoke first too. _'What is going on with us?'_

And the question hung in the air like a lead balloon_. _

…_._

'_How is this fair, how can we know how we feel, what we're meant to be doing, what we're willing to give up for this. We don't even know what "this" is'_

And Chris sighed a hard, tired sigh _'Come on Darren, I know we've never said it in so many words but we both know what this is. I love you. And all these questions and worries, they're just a stalling tactic, I know you love me too. What are you stalling for? What are you afraid of?'_

It was Darren's turn to sigh now, '_It's not because of the gay thing, you do know that don't you? I don't really care what people think about me when it comes to that. I love who I love, and I love you.'_

Chris' breathe caught in his throat and the relief was palpable. He had been sure that Darren was worried about coming out. What people would think of him. Anything would be easy compared to that.

Exhaling in relief he could hear the lightness in his own voice,_ 'Well if it's not that what is it? I am sure we can make it work whatever it is.'_

A look of worry, shame and panic crossed Darren's face in a moment. And Chris immediately backtracked on the thought that this was going to be easy.

…_._

'_I know it sounds stupid, but a year ago I was a nobody.' _Darren whispered.

'_I would still be a nobody, playing three gigs a day for tips if it wasn't for Ryan. I owe him everything. He's the reason I feel like a person now, not someone fooling themselves into thinking they're somebody.' _And tears appeared in his eyes and streamed down his face in hot, angry rivers.

'_Darren you were always somebody, don't ever think you were a nobody, it's just not true.' _

And Chris hurt for him. Even saying the words, easy to say and hard to feel and believe.

'_Thank you, I just wish I could believe it.' _and Darren wept again.

And without even meaning to, in fact entirely not meaning to, Chris was kissing Darren's hot tears away. Swallowing them, urging them to stop and be replaced with that smile he loved so much, whispering words that he meant with every cell, every ounce of himself.

'_I love you with my whole world, I'm nothing without you, please believe that.'_

…..


	13. Chapter 13

Hi! I hope you like this part, slightly lighter than normal, felt like they deserved it! Let me know. Feel bad asking for reviews, but they really do help keep me motivated and let me know if you are still enjoying or not x

Part 13, unlucky for some…..

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 13  
><strong>Black Eyed Peas – Meet you halfway  
>Blur – Song 2<br>Cage the elephant – Shake me down****

**  
><strong>**Part 13**

The air was hot and heavy, the only sounds being soft and gentle notes of passion and want. After months of waiting, finally, finally just letting go and feeling felt wonderful.

They lay together, savouring every moment, each still worried and unsure of how long this would last, what the future would hold. But pushing the worries and nerves to the back of some shared subconscious, in that moment, it felt right. It felt solid and built on something sturdy.

The kiss carried on for a beautifully long time. Neither wanted to be the one to do anything to make it stop. There was passion there that was for sure, bubbling under and breaking to the surface in short, sharp shocks of emotion. But more than anything there was a comfort and an ease in each touch and taste. In the way Chris' tongue skimmed the roof of Darren's mouth, in the way they exchanged sighs and caresses, in each movement, emotion and feeling.

But in the end, in some unspoken agreement, they wrenched themselves away from each other. And they just sat, separately, deep in thought, consumed by what they were feeling.

Neither man looked at each other or spoke for a long time. But there was no awkwardness or tension in the air. No, the air crackled with possibility, new beginnings, fresh green shoots of something neither had really believed was thinkable, not really.

Chris was the first to finally speak. _'I was a nobody too you know. Bullied, struggling to make it out of Clovis. I owe Ryan just as much as you do if not more.' _

And he carried on, not letting Darren cut in, _'But if I have too I will give it all up. None of it's worth anything if I don't have you. Money, fame, acceptance. What's it worth if I let the most important thing in my life slip through my fingers. I would never forgive myself.'_

The crack of emotion was right at the surface as Darren spoke, wide-eyed and almost stunned into a stupor, '_Y-you. I would give up anything for you. But I never thought you felt the same way... This changes everything.'_

And they were tangled back together again. In a tight hug that spoke of relief, and devotion and love. Pure, soul searching love.

There was a lot that still needed unravelling, the least being Ryan's stance on things. But the foundations were strong and in place. Each knew what they were willing to lose. And losing each other was not an option.

…

It was only just 9am.

They had covered so much ground. Laid themselves bare. All in the hours where most of the rest of the word were asleep.

In a way, knowing they were alone, that they had room for the hundreds of thoughts and feelings they needed to put out into the world, had been reassuring. The darkness outside, and the stillness had made them feel safe. In a vacuum of their own making.

But now as the sun started to rise, the mood started to shift and the deep, heartfelt conversations didn't come quite so easy. Didn't feel quite so necessary.

It might not have been ground breaking, or soul searching, but the sentence that left Darren's lips was more important than he could have realised. _'I'm fed up of being fed up. We've both been cooped up in our thoughts for weeks, months really. Can we just do something fun this weekend. No more talking. Let's just do. Let's just be.' _

And the grin that passed between the two men said it all. This weekend was going to be a good one. Important, and normal. Just what they needed, just what they had never had.

…..

'_What shall we do then?'_ and there was honest and genuine confusion in Chris' voice. The idea of doing something 'normal' feeling like an alien concept. Sure they had spent many an afternoon in the comfort of movie marathons and writing sessions. But that was before. Before they had been honest about what they were.

'_We could just stay here and snuggle?'_ Darren asked hopefully.

And Chris smiled gently as he said it,_ 'No, we need to stop hiding. Even if we don't mean to, that's what we're doing at the moment. Let's get out into the real world and make some memories.'_

And Darren was grinning now,_ 'Memories, awesome. How about the zoo?'_

'_Erm, ok, but why?' _Chris was confused.

'_When I was little I used to love the zoo. I used to truly believe I could talk to the monkeys. I'd literally stand there all day and chat to them. I swear I could. Chuck used to think I was crazy; he'd leave us in 'conversation' and go off and explore the whole site. I don't remember but he says that when he got back I'd still be listening intently and chatting away with them. _

'_I haven't been there in years. I'd like to go there again with you. But you have to promise not to laugh at me'_

'_I promise I won't laugh at you'_ Chris stuttered though his sobs of laughter.

'_You can't promise not to laugh at me WHILE you're laughing at me.'_ Darren uttered through his own smile.

'_Come on, I'm just getting it out of my system. Boy, I have a lot to learn about you.' _Chris sobbed, finally ending with_ 'I can't wait to learn it all.' _

…

For some reason Darren picked a zoo that was over 75 miles away, even though there were at least a dozen nearer to them than that.

They took Chris' car. And the drive itself became one of their first memories. A memory of holding hands, chatting about everything and nothing and just being, just doing. Just getting to know each other as people, miles away from their worries and responsibilities.

As they pulled into the car park it dawned on him, like a soft unveiling of something precious and prized, '_So that was why you picked one that was so far away.'_ Chris said with a soft smile.

'_Sorry what?'_ feigning his best impression of unwitting innocence Darren looked back with saucer eyes.

'_I've worked you out, and that was very sweet. Giving us some space, some confined space to just be ourselves, start to make memories and be normal. If there is such a thing.'_

And with a chuckle Darren pulled Chris to him saying with a laugh in his voice '_Who the hell wants to be normal, how fucking dull. Give me weird and abnormal any day of the week'_

And in that moment the grin between the two of them had never been bigger and more full of shared meaning.

With a spring in his step Chris pulled Darren along, speaking as they moved towards the entrance. _'Come on let's go talk to those monkeys. I can hear them from here, they've missed you.'_

And that was all it took, under his breath Darren laughed and breathed out deeply. _'Yep, you really are the one for me. To halves of a very eccentric whole, and I fucking love it.'_


	14. Chapter 14

**20 Feb **– Apologies for reposting, after re-reading there were some parts I wasn't totally happy with. I hope you like this chapter as much as I do. Reviews as always make me smile. Thank you, Lucy x

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 14**  
>Candles – Glee<br>Darren Criss – Piano Man

Part 14

Smiling as he said it, Chris tried to be understanding with the clearly upset man to his left and shake him out of the sulk he was in,_ 'Darren, cheer up, it's not the end of the world. Come on, there's loads of other things to do here. See, I see a polar bear over there, it's HUGE! Oh my god I never believed it when they said they were like 12 foot tall! And his hand really is the size of my head!_

'_And penguins too! Darren look! They're just like you, tiny little bundles of crazy! What are they doing, do they even know what they're doing? Do they want to be under the water or flying above? I think they want to be a bird and a fish and can't decide! I love them, crazy and all!'_

Chris literally bounced on the spot, he was excited in his own right doing something just for fun was rare, but he was also trying to spread how he was feeling with the man next to him. But Darren, if he meant to or not, was resolutely down in the dumps and looked like he was on the verge of throwing the mother of all tantrums.

'_But, but I can't believe they've gone.' _And the pout was unintentional and absolutely adorable. More appropriate for a five year old really, but Darren wasn't acting or looking for attention, he really felt it, and in Chris' eyes that meant he could carry it off.

'_Oh hun, come on, so they decided not to have monkeys anymore. That's ok. They still have hundreds of other things we can coo over and laugh at!'_

'_But, but I really felt like I could tell them how I was feeling. They were such good listeners.' _And Chris could see a far away, detached look in Darren's eyes.

They sulked their way around the zoo for another hour or so, looking at parrots, bugs, polar bears, marmosets, some sort of stripy-backed lizard thing, mice, meercats and finally a very grumpy and sedentary looking walrus.

It was the grumpy walrus that did it. Finally Chris had decided they'd had enough.

'_Enough, enough. I'm sorry; I know this meant a lot to you. And I am not saying that it's silly. But wasn't the point of today, and this weekend, us having fun together? Just because some of your furry friends weren't here doesn't mean that's changed. Were still meant to be having fun! Let's go have some fun!' _

They carried on exploring the zoo and the park until it started to get dark. Darren finally let go and enjoyed himself. And that meant a lot of time hugging Chris, chatting with Chris and staring at Chris in adoration. He hadn't realised how much catching up they had to do. Those semi self imposed months of separation meant he felt the need to make the most of every second they spent together. He just wanted to drink him in.

The drive home felt comfortable and easy. And they both got the best night's sleep they could remember having in months.

…

'_Hey you' _

'_Hey you too'_ Darren smiled and spoke through his yawn to welcome Chris into the day.

'_Breakfast?'_ In Darren's mind this meant going out for eggs, sausage and whatever potato they were dishing up. In Chris' mind it meant hot strong coffee and waking up to carry on with 'Mission Weekend Of Fun'.

Chris won on this occasion… but not without a bit of a battle on the way…

They were still lying drowsily in bed. Debating what to do for breakfast. Drifting off into half-sleep, Chris didn't notice straight away that Darren had stopped talking, he was too distracted by how cosy this felt and, _and since when did someone touching the back of my knee feel so good? _Chris wondered to himself. Suddenly wide awake, he realised Darren was still behind him, but a hell of a lot lower down than he was expecting. Chris was trying to work out what was going on, _that feels like, ooh wow…wow…erm….we need to get breakfast. 'Darren? Darren? DARREN!'_

Chris felt himself shouting before the words had left his lips.

And in one seamless movement, he grabbed Darren's hair and pulled him up and towards his hungry mouth. Kisses followed, sucking the air out of him and replacing it with something hotter, something heavier. Gasping for air Chris finally found the resolve to grit his teeth and utter _'So, amazing and unexpected as you licking the back of my knee felt…' _And really, who knew that would feel that amazing, Chris mused._ '…this is meant to be a weekend of fun, now it's my turn.'_

Those words made Darren press down onto Chris getting entirely the wrong idea, _'NO, that's not what I meant. Come on, get dressed, we need to get out of here!'_

…

'_What, what's happening, where are we?_

'_I'm so confused' _And in that moment Chris had never seen Darren look more adorable.

'_I'm only taking you to breakfast Dare, don't panic.'_ Chris uttered as they pulled up into the car park of a very basic looking diner.

'_Wow, it smells amazing, I want one of everything.'_ And even there in the middle of the dingy car park, Darren made Chris' heart swell.

'_Come on, actually eat something, and then you might be able to string a semi sensible sentence together.'_ Chris grinned as he said it.

…

Darren had his mouth full with another rasher of bacon. Chris went for it, took a deep breath and tried to sound nonchalant.

'_Darren, I haven't brought you here by chance. There's a reason.'_ And Chris grinned shyly as he stared at Darren.

'_What, what do you mean. I know the breakfast was awesome. Thank you! Best place I've been to in a long time.'_

'_Look to you right' _and now Chris looked shy and uncertain.

'_Um ok...'_ and Darren's eyes grew to the size of saucers as he took in the grand piano crammed into the corner of the small diner. _'Erm…why is that in here?' _Genuinely confused.

'_Well the owner plays a bit and likes the look of it in here. But I thought you could really make use of it. For me. Away from everyone…' _Looking around they were the only people in there.

'_Do you want to know when I knew I was in love with you?' _And Chris looked deadly serious as he spoke now.

'_It was when we performed Candles. Don't laugh I know it's not exactly a romantic song…_

'_..At the time, it really made me realise how heartbroken I would be if we were together, in love, and then it ended. _

'_I have wanted to hear you play it since that episode, I want to hear you sing it, not Blaine. I want to hear the proper emotion in your voice when you play it to me. Please.' _And there were the beginning of tears in Chris' eyes now.

Looking kind of sad, but understanding, Darren held both of Chris' hands tight, looked him in the eye and stated, _'Chris, it was a song; it was a song for a TV show. That wasn't me. That doesn't begin to cover how I feel about you. I can assure you, with every beat my heart has to offer, I love you and I will never leave you.'_

And there in the middle of the dingy diner, their dingy diner, they fell into an all consuming, air sucking out of lungs, constricting and swell my heart until the point of bursting hug.

…_.._


	15. Chapter 15

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 15  
><strong>'We all stand together' – Paul McCartney

**Part 15**

The modest little diner became one of their favourite places. Mainly because it was pretty much empty whenever they went there and even if it wasn't empty it was not the sort of place where they would be recognised.

And the piano, prominent, squashed in the corner didn't hurt either. Darren stayed good to his word and never played 'Candles'.That didn't stop Chris requesting and getting to hear a whole host of other songs. And Chris was forever amazed that even sprung on him without warning Darren without fail knew how to play each and every one of them.

In fact it developed into an unspoken competition, Chris became determined to find something, anything, Darren didn't know how to play. And Darren, well he was equally determined to make sure he would be able to play Chris whatever he requested.

'_Ok that's it, how on earth do you know that song, let alone know how to play it?'_ Chris was gobsmacked, and in all honesty a little frustrated now, this had been going on for weeks. He was never going to win.

'_What, the frog song is a classic! McCartney at his best as far as lyrics go.'_ But Darren was laughing, making Chris suspicious.

'_What did you do, tell me, I can tell when you're lying' _And although confused, Chris was laughing too.

'_I did it for a good reason, a nice reason. I only borrowed it for a day, I didn't steal it.' _Darren now had his best 'don't be mad at me I am a cute puppy' face on.

'_What did you steal?' _And now Chris was confused and not sure about the amused bit anymore.

And more worried than was entirely justified, it all came out in a rush, _'You know that day we first came here, and you asked me to play for you, and we stayed the night at yours, I might have borrowed your iPod for a day. I downloaded your music onto my laptop. Please don't be angry with me.'_

Letting out a tiny relieved sigh, Chris smiled as he spoke,_ 'I'm not angry Darren. But you could've just asked to borrow it. My taste in music is really not that interesting, why did you want it?'_

A bit embarrassed now, with a look of total openness on his face, he simply stated, _'I never wanted to not be able to sing for you. It seemed to make you happy, and I wanted to always make you happy.'_

'_You learnt all of the songs on my iPod to make sure you could always serenade me? There are hundreds!' _Chris shook his head in amazement as he spoke.

'_I didn't have to learn them all Chris. It turns out we have a very similarly bizarre taste in music. Like the frog song.'_

'_Like the frog song.' _And Chris was grinning as Darren pulled him into a kiss they both laughed their way through.

….

And in their bubble they were happy. But although beautiful, they are fragile, and it's only a matter of time before they burst.

….

With another hiatus long over, they were back working gruelling, tiring days on set, most days getting there at six in the morning and not leaving until midnight.

Spending so much time together had the potential to be amazing, should have been amazing.

Spending so much time together, while not being together, had the potential to be worse than awful. That was the crushing reality and it hurt them both more than they were willing to admit.

Only Joe and Ashley knew they were together. There was no way they could not know. Ashley had been instrumental in getting them to see sense in the first place. And Joe knew Darren so well he could've taken Darren's place in most of the conversations with Chris over the last few months and got it spot on down to the tiniest detail.

'_This is no good.'_ Darren let out a deep, dark sigh which Chris couldn't help but notice.

Turning around to face each other, aware of but trying to block out the bustle and noise of the set all around them, Chris focussed on the man facing him. _'What's no good? I thought you were happy with us.'_

And Darren sighed again as he spoke,_ 'I am so happy when I'm with you. I never thought I'd find someone like you. You make me so unbelievably happy, and I hope I make you feel the same way too. But I feel like we're wasting it, I…'_

'_Darren, we need you for this scene…..NOW!' _Brad didn't often shout, and that meant there was no more time to talk. Plenty more time to act like a couple in love. But no time to be a couple in love.

'_We'll talk later. We can't here.'_ And with that Darren disappeared to film a rare scene that didn't involve Chris.

….

The rest of the day dragged. Chris only had one scene to shoot, and he couldn't get the interrupted conversation with Darren earlier in the day out of his head. _Wasting, what were they wasting? _As he willed the minutes to pass by more quickly his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Opening the text, he was up and out of his chair as he finished reading it. _'Gone home, couldn't focus. Really need to see you, but not on set.'_

Chris' head was somewhere entirely else during the drive to Darren's apartment, full of questions and worrying thoughts. _What was wrong? Why had he left the set early? Have I done something wrong?_

Running up the stairs and using the keys Darren had given to him he shouted to the other man as he entered the apartment, at first there was no reply, but a few seconds later he heard sobs coming from the other side of Darren's closed bedroom door.

Quietly knocking and opening the door slowly, not sure where in his room Darren would be, it broke Chris' heart to see him in the furthest corner, slumped to the floor, hugging his knees, crying to himself.

For some reason unsure and not feeling like he could go to comfort him, Chris sat on the corner of Darren's bed and waited. Waited until Darren was ready to speak.

Finally it came.

'_They sent me home, told me to get my head together; to sort out whatever it was that was bothering me._

'_I'm miserable. I've been miserable since we've been back on set. I feel like my heart's been ripped out and everyday it's being trampled on. I'm with you all day everyday but I miss you_

'_I ache when I'm near you on set, and it breaks my heart that I can't touch you, that I can't kiss you. It feels like we're right back where we were months ago and I hate it. It's tearing me apart._

'_If you give me your blessing, I'm going to talk to Ryan tomorrow. I can't take it anymore. I need to be with you all the time, not a few grabbed hours when we're both too exhausted to do more than sleep. I don't care what he says, but I need to start being honest with people.'_

And now Chris did have the confidence to pull the other man into a tight hug and whisper to him, kissing the tears away._ 'My blessing? I'm coming with you, just try and stop me.'_

…_._


	16. Chapter 16

_**Hi! I feel really nervous about this chapter, I think I need to warn you and probably rate it an M, no need to say anymore. Please review, I think without them I am going to be an embarrassed mess in the corner xx**_

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 16  
><strong>_Chris Isaac – Wicked Game  
>Tricky - Overcome<em>

**Part 16  
><strong>As far as the rest of the evening went; they were both too anxious to eat, or to sleep. Quiet and caught up in their own thoughts. The air between them heavy, crackling and sparking with an unspoken, palpable energy.

'_I can't believe you're going to do this for me._' And even without explaining what he meant, Chris knew and his stomach twisted at how excessively grateful and thankful Darren remained.

'_Darren it's nothing, I know you would do the same for_ me' and in that moment Darren moved close and brushed his fingertips along Chris' cheekbone, looking at him in a way that said more than words ever could.

They fell back into each other's arms and lay comfortably on the sofa, not speaking, both aware that they were each caught up in thoughts of how tomorrow's meeting was going to pan out.

As it started to get darker outside Darren became aware of the soft snoring coming from the man currently deeply asleep on his lap.

'_Hey, sleepyhead, let's go to bed, come on, it might feel comfortable now, but in the morning you'll thank me for moving you._' and Darren shook Chris gently as he spoke, trying to wake him up just enough to get him on his feet and into the bedroom.

Chris was having none of it, and barely roused at all. _'Ok, you asked for it, this is going to be a bumpy ride.' _And in one not so smooth and seamless manoeuvre Darren scooped Chris up into his arms – all too aware of the hot breath on his neck - and wobbled his way to the bedroom, placing Chris gently in the middle of the bed.

Suddenly realising that his boyfriend _My boyfriend_ was still fully clothed, including boots, Darren blushed hard and muttered aloud _'Come on, he's asleep, just undress him and go to sleep, start thinking with your brain for a change'_

The boots were the easy part; even Darren didn't find heavy army boots sexy. But the rest was another story. Mentally slapping himself Darren focussed on the task in hand, undoing buttons carefully, and concentrating on sliding down jeans without waking Chris, who even asleep seemed happy to help with the task in hand.

Exhausted, but undeniably turned on, Darren undressed himself and slipped into bed next to Chris, carefully placing an arm over him, trying to be as quiet and delicate as possible, cursing as the bed creaked.

After a few minutes he figured he'd managed to get away with it and started to fall into a comfortable sleep himself.

A quiet, sleep-rough voice broke the silence and burst the bubble of sleep he'd been floating into _'That was some self-restraint you showed there; please don't credit me with the same if the roles are ever reversed.'_

And Chris, now seemingly wide awake, turned, so his chest was flush against Darren's, hearts beating hard in time, breath ghosting on the features looking back at each of them, gaze locked and not wavering, feeling like they could see into each other's souls.

'_Sleep with me.'_ And it wasn't a question, it was a statement of intent, and even Darren couldn't miss the determination in Chris' voice.

Deciding to play dumb and see where it got him, Darren held Chris' gaze and tried to sound as casual as he could, _'I sleep with you all the time. I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed.'_

Rising to the challenge Chris decided to make sure there was no room for games or misunderstanding, '_I want you to make love to me. Now.'_

And with that, thoughts of work, or worries, or anything other than the man in front of him - looking at his with lust and love in his eyes - flew out of Darren's head as if it had never ever existed at all.

…

Moments of hard passionate kissing passed in a blur. Sometimes Darren found himself straddling Chris, then he would suddenly find himself pinned down onto the bed, struggling for breath, consumed by the lust he felt washing off of the other man. Other times they lay on their sides, facing each other, drinking each other in, letting passion, and love, and want, cradle them.

'_Darren…Dare, I need you, now.'_ And even though the kissing was amazing, Darren had to admit himself that he was getting a little more turned on than kissing alone could contain. The kissing stopped, but the gazing into each other's lust-blown eyes continued.

Darren slowly, teasingly, pulled down Chris' boxers until they were both naked, facing each other, skin on skin. A thought passed through Darren's head that this should maybe feel a little awkward, Chris was the first man that had ever seen him naked in this way, the first man he was going to sleep with, the first man he was going to make love to.

But it didn't feel awkward at all; it felt so natural, he couldn't wait for this to be their first time together.

'_Chris I love you so much.'_ Darren managed while caressing and massaging Chris, relaxing him and readying him. _'I love you too; you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.' _And Darren didn't know how much more he was going to be able to take, the mere sight of Chris looking down at him though his eyelashes, uttering words of love and desire, was almost enough to push him over the edge on its own.

'_Ok that's enough, __**I**__ need __**you**__ now.'_ And with that Darren pulled Chris onto his lap so he straddled him, allowed him to kiss Chris hard, massaging him further until he was sure he was ready, kissing and kissing. _'Enough kissing'_ Chris growled and in the end made the decision for them, sinking slowly down on to Darren, sighing and groaning as he went, arching his back and exposing Darren to sensations and feelings he could never have dreamed of.

As thoughts and feelings flashed though each and every cell of his body, Darren fleetingly tried to pin down how he was feeling, wanting to remember this moment forever, this moment he'd waited so long for. _How am I feeling...aroused to the point of exploding, on the verge of tears, happy to the point of laughing hysterically, content and comfortable, home, like I'm about to pass out, not sure where I end and he begins, heaven…_

Suddenly drawn out of his thoughts by Chris' hand rubbing hard on him, Darren jerked forward, hips snapping into a rhythm Chris was clearly and loudly enjoying, each moan, and groan and whimper pushing Darren closer and closer to the edge himself.

'_Darren, harder, harder…'_ and hips snapped and bucked, any semblance of rhythm lost in the moment _'oh god, fuck, that feels so good Darren, so good… I'm going to…'_

And as Chris' muscles tensed that, that was what pushed Darren over the edge, into the depths of the most mind blowing orgasm he'd ever experienced, with Chris coming, crashing along with him, hugging and trembling in his arms.

….

They both woke from the haze and sleep they had drifted into, knowing from the chink of moonlight peaking though the curtains that it was still the middle of the night. They held each other, equal and entirely at ease.

'_Thank you.'_ Chris whispered.

'_Thank you for what? I should be thanking you.' _Darren murmured in return.

'_For sharing that with me, I can only imagine how nervous you must have been.'_

And Darren turned to look at Chris, brushing a stray hair out of his eyes_ 'I know it might sound crazy, but I wasn't nervous at all, it never felt anything less than perfect, and exactly what I wanted to be doing. I wanted this with you Chris for such a long time, but even everything I had been imagining was nothing compared to how you made me feel. I love you so much. I need you in my life for as long as I make you happy.'_

And this time it was Chris' turn to pull Darren into a crushing hug and lay himself on the line _'Darren you'll always make me happy, I don't think I can even remember what happy is without you.'_

…_._

'_Are you ready to face Ryan?' _and this time bright sunlight streamed through the thin curtains as Chris spoke.

Darren, surprisingly awake and alert looked Chris in the eye, determination clear and straining to break free_ 'I've never felt more ready. And do you know what; I'm not asking his permission anymore, I'm telling him. And it's none of his bloody business anyway.'_

….


	17. Chapter 17

**I am so sorry it's taken me so long to update. I had writer's indecisive-ness around which way to go with this. I enjoyed writing this chapter, I hope you enjoy reading it. I'll try and post more regularly now; I think there are about 5 more chapters left to go at the most. Lucy x**

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 17  
><strong>_Beth Orton – I wish I never saw the sunshine  
><em> 

**Part 17  
><strong>Determined and united they made their way across the parking lot. It was early, with the rest of the cast and crew nowhere to be seen. Normally the whole place was buzzing with energy and chatter, empty and quiet like this you could almost feel something hanging in the air – tension, or hope, or a promise of a future – it was hard to tell.

Without a word Chris slid his hand into Darren's and intertwined their fingers as they continued to make their way through the maze of corridors towards Ryan's office. No matter how early or how late it was they knew that on that front they had nothing to worry about, he would be there.

A final left turn and they'd arrived. The door to Ryan's office made it abundantly clear that he was in charge and not to be messed with. Stamped in black lettering the sign on the door read: **Mr R Murphy. Creator of Glee. Busy man. Knock if you are sure it's worth my time. **The two men stood for a moment, then shared a look of concern and amusement combined, hoping and forcing themselves to be sure that it was just bravado on Ryan's part.

'_Ready?'_ and as he asked Chris gently squeezed Darren's hand. Darren took a deep breath, knocked and spoke at the same time, _'Ready as I'll ever be.'_

…_._

'_Come in…I said come in…'_ the older man muttered and then shouted from behind his computer screen.

Scripts sat neatly on the left of the desk. Unopened post on the right, and a framed picture of his partner sat in the centre. The room was simple and plain, the obvious exception the wall at the end which was covered from floor to ceiling with frames and heaving shelves displaying the awards he had won for masterminding Glee.

He didn't look up as the door opened. The two men walked in and waited. They knew Ryan's style. He was not to be interrupted when he was in the middle of something; they knew very well that he would let them know when it was their turn to speak.

They exchanged a nervous look, and finally after several minutes Ryan looked up, rubbed the bridge of his nose, placed his glasses on his desk and smiled a genuine smile. _This was a good sign_, Darren thought to himself, _we've caught him in a good mood_.

'_Hi guys. You're early onto set, just what I like to see, dedication to the show. But we don't start shooting for another hour or so, I suppose you're here to run lines, or…'_

Silence.

And the look on his face told them all they needed to know. This was not going to go well.

'_What is that meant to mean?' _And he nodded towards their intertwined fingers as he spat the words out.

And Darren felt the courage and confidence he'd been feeling up until now evaporate into thin air under Ryan's withering gaze._ 'I…we…'_

And now Ryan was standing and looming across his desk. _'I told you months ago that this, whatever this is…' _and he waved disdainfully at them as he spoke_ '…had to stop. I thought you had got the message and put an end to it. You better tell me what the hell's going on, and it better be good.'_

Chris looked over to Darren and knew that he would have to take control of the situation. Darren looked tiny, shrunk back in on himself and was visibly shaking. Taking a deep breath Chris stood to his full height and spoke as calmly and confidently as he could.

'_Ryan, I know that you said that we had to keep things purely professional, for the sake of the show. And I can assure you that we tried, but you can't turn emotions on and off. You must have been able to see that we were both miserable. Darren especially. Do you think us being miserable helps the show? Did you know he had to be sent home from set last week? _

'_This isn't some character bleed, if that's what you're worried about, we love each other. No one has ever come close to making me feel the way Darren does. And I know he feels the same way about me. And we can't end this, we won't end this. _

'_We didn't come to ask your permission. But we both respect you and we wanted you to hear this from us not from someone else.'_

…_._

Laughter was not what Chris or Darren had been expecting to hear. Not at all. It was the most terrifying sound either of them had heard from Ryan. Shouting, screaming, demanding, ordering them around, at least they knew where they stood with that. But this, this was truly stomach churning, the laughter didn't reach his eyes, and it sounded hollow and cruel.

Finally the laughter stopped and he spoke, _'I don't care.'_

'_I don't care what you think you feel for each other. In fact I don't care if you really are in love.'_

'_I know you think I'm being cruel, and in your shoes I would feel the same way. But this has to stop.'_

Ryan sat back into his chair and motioned for Chris and Darren to take a seat, which they did, hands never parting.

'_Don't you understand? This show is bigger than all of us. Every day I watch the news and hear about terrible things happening to people purely on the basis of their sexuality. I grew up wishing I could change who I was each and every day, hating what I saw when I looked in the mirror. All because of how I was treated because I was different._

_This show is slowly but surely opening Middle America's eyes to the fact that different is ok, that different is really good. What do you think all of those mean_?... And he pointed to the awards on the wall as he continued to speak, _'they show that Glee means something, it's more than a TV show. _

'_And I will not let you two give the bigots and the homophobes something to latch on to. It would undo everything I've strived for.'_

…_._

Trying to digest everything that was happening Darren finally spoke._ 'You do realise that trying to stop us from being together you're making it seem like what we're doing, how we feel about each other is wrong. You've just said that the whole foundation of Glee is about embracing difference and celebrating it. How can you ask us to hide?_

'_And if you're that worried about people's reactions then it is clear that the show really isn't making any difference at all. I love my job and I understand that Glee is your baby but I am not going to give Chris up, even if I have to walk away from the show to have him.'_

Feeling nervous as hell, but deciding that he was in so deep he may as well keep digging, Darren moved and picked up the frame in the centre of Ryan's desk._ 'Look at him, tell me that you would give up what you two have? Tell me you would hide it? Pretend you didn't feel it. Could you do that, even if the reason was noble?'_

…

And that was when Ryan finally exploded._ 'You have no idea about my personal life. And you have no right to know anything about it either. I'm your boss, not your friend and you've pushed this too far. You were nothing without me, and I'll happily make sure that you never work again. _

That threat, because that was what it was, meant nothing to Darren, he didn't even feel it._ 'I don't care. I told you and I meant it, I don't care what I have to give up to keep Chris in my life. But I'm telling you this now your logic is seriously warped and you'd be a fool to push Chris and I into leaving the show. And don't think we're bluffing, we've spoken about this and we'd do it.'_

Looking genuinely worried by this piece of news Ryan turned his attentions to Chris and knew what tack to take.

'_Chris, you're like a son to me, I made the role of Kurt for you, you're the heart of the show. You must understand what I'm saying; you've been through all of this in real life – the bullying, the loneliness, hating what you see in the mirror, feeling like what you are is wrong. _

'_The show and what it's achieving is bigger than any of us. It's worth giving anything up for. You must understand what I'm saying. Seeing you and Darren together would destroy the show. _

'_You know as well as I do that our critics would have a field day, and it would destroy your career too. I'm begging you, please don't do this. I know you, you couldn't live with yourself if you stamped on everything Glee stands for and is achieving.'_

And as he finished speaking Ryan leant across his desk to take Chris' other hand._ 'Don't do this.'_

But before he'd reached him Chris was up and out of his chair pulling Darren along with him red angry tears spilling down his cheeks, _'Don't touch me. I don't appreciate emotional blackmail. And don't expect to see either of us at work tomorrow._

And with that Ryan was left alone in his office, confused and unsure of what exactly had happened. And he could swear the picture on his desk was looking at him with judgemental, accusing eyes.

….


	18. Chapter 18

**So sorry for the massive break – real life got well and truly in the way. This is v. short bridging chapter, to get me back in the swing of the story and also to help us move Ryan along. Sorry again, I hope you don't all hate me for leaving you hanging! Ps I would say about 4-5 chapters to go xx**

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 18  
><strong>Tori Amos – Cornflake Girl**  
><strong> 

'_You did what? I seriously can't believe what I'm hearing. And Ryan, from you of all people.' _And the judgemental, accusing eyes boring into him from the photo in his office had nothing on the scathing look he was being given in his own home, by the very same person, the person he loved more than anything.

And the truth was that he also valued their opinion over anyone else's, which meant that pretty soon he'd be admitting he'd screwed up, admitting he was in the wrong and then wondering how the hell he was going to undo the ungodly mess he had single-handedly orchestrated in the space of one morning.

Knowing that he was only really protesting to save the semblance of face he still hung onto, knuckles white, not wanting to fully admit the scale of the damage he had done, he ploughed on anyway, heart not really in it, _'What? You can't seriously expect me to jeopardise everything we've worked for, the progress the shows making, all for a couple of overly hormonal kids who don't really even know what they're feeling, let alone what they're doing and the fall out that's going to happen. I didn't have any choice.'_

The disbelieving look and sigh headed in his direction was just the beginning, before the logical and annoyingly right floodgates opened._ 'You didn't have any choice? Really? You think you're the one in the difficult position here? Seriously, look up and outside of yourself and your precious show and really look at what's happened here. Two people have fallen in love. Two real people. Not characters you can control. Real people. And that means it's not always going to be neat, or simple or convenient. But too bad, tough shit, that's just how it is! _

'_And yes it would be easier if this was Darren falling in love with Lea, or Chris falling in love with an openly gay guy, but that is just not how it always works._

'_Chris especially looked up to you as a mentor and example of how things can be for a gay man in Hollywood and in the industry, and don't you dare tell me that you are going to betray that. And Darren, well we can't all fit in neat little boxes can we. _

'_If you don't support them, and help them to make this work your not the man I thought you were.' _

…_._


	19. Chapter 19

**How much is too much to lose?**

**Soundtrack for part 19**

**Katy Perry – Roar  
>Pharrell – Happy<br>**

The wave of emotion that hit Chris and Darren after that explosive meeting was unexpected. They were braced, waiting for the shock, or anger, or fear, in fact any of a whole host of negative emotions to hit them. What wasn't so easy for them to grasp was that what they did in fact feel was right at the other end of that spectrum. They felt liberated, excited, in control, determined. And they felt all of this as a united, unbreakable team.

If Ryan had wanted to break them up, or plant seeds of doubt in their relationship, then he had failed spectacularly. They were ready to take on the world.

…

The odd thing was that in the three days since 'the meeting', the world (well the Glee part of their world) had gone awfully quiet, making it pretty hard to 'take on'. Neither of their phones had rung, and none of the cast, crew or Ryan had so much as emailed or texted them.

On day one this had come as a surprise…on day two something of a worry… and then on day three they decided that they didn't really care all that much after all. They had each other, and staying true to the promises they had made, and believed with every iota of energy and love they had, that was all that mattered.

….

This unbridled sense of liberation made them giddy and silly, and giddy and silly combined with having nowhere they had to be was a very heady combination…

…especially when you also throw tequila into the mix…

'_How did this happen? Oh god, that feels amazing, please don't stop…' _Darren all but whimpered.

This hadn't been the plan, the plan had been to cook lunch, have a glass of wine and go into town. They had dinner, and a glass of wine, but then the rain came, which seemed like the weather's way of telling them to stay in – and the tequila brainwave just kind of happened.

Which was how Darren came to find himself lying on the glass dining room table, shirtless, having Chris lick salt and slurp tequila out of his belly button.

'_Chris, kiss me, I need you to kiss me…'_ joining Darren on the thankfully very strong table, Chris climbed on top of him, straddling him and kissing him hard, both tasting of alcohol, laughing into each other's open mouths.

'_Your turn now' _Darren breathed hotly into Chris' ear, gently pushing him off of him at the same time.

Once on their feet, the affects of the tequila where a little more palpable with Darren struggling to extricate Chris from the confines of his t-shirt, and feeling more than a little tuned on at the sight of the eventually bare flesh. Pushing Chris to the floor and he started the oh-so-arduous task of kissing the expanse of skin at his disposal.

With Chris' hands pinned above his head, Darren started to kiss from the insides of his wrists, down his forearms, stopping to lick and kiss the soft skin at the crease of the elbow, and down still further enjoying the very male scent under Chris' arms and down further still to nipples that he knew very well would elicit a response, hips bucking, and wrists straining as Darren lightly sucked, _'Darren, ohhh that feels so good, harder though'_ and the light sucking turn to nibbling _'harder'_ and to fairly hard biting _'oh god, oh fuck, that feels...' _with moaning echoing around the room, Darren moved to go lower still, pausing at Chris' belly button and moving up again to kiss him hotly, passion and lust in every touch. Breaking apart, Darren moved his hand down between them and stroked Chris through his jeans. _'These need to come off and then I need you inside me.' _

…_.._

Moving to the shower, the slip and slid of water and shower gel proved amazing and also slightly dangerous. With the shower curtain paying the ultimate price for saving them from slipping over when they were more focussed on touch, and feel and the sensations flooding through them, giving and receiving everything the other was willing to offer and accept.

'_Fuck, oh my god, harder, right there, right there, please don't stop..'_ and whether it was Darren basically begging Chris to carry on fucking him, or whether it was the feeling of Darren clenching around him, whatever it was Chris suddenly couldn't control himself any longer and with a shuddering shake they both came under the warm, constant, slightly hypnotic torrents of water falling on them.

….

Now back to giddy and silly, they were laughing their way though getting changed into boxers and drying off ready to get into bed for an hour or two when the door rang. _'Darren, can you get it, I'm still soaking wet'_

Hearing the door open and close, but with no sign of Darren returning Chris padded through to the hallway to find Darren standing with his back to him facing a now closed front door. _'Darren, who was it?'_ no reply _'Darren?'_

'_You're not going to believe this' _finally turning and handing Chris a single sheet of paper with a paragraph of handwritten wording on it:

_Chris & Darren, I am lucky to be in love with a man that is a much better person than I am. Are you free to meet tomorrow, where I know that apologies won't be enough, but maybe they will be a start? Let me know when and what time would suit you. Ryan._

…


End file.
